Since Hollywood has shown zero interest in my screenplay adaptation of Melmoth the Wanderer, Charles Maturin's gothic horror novel of 1820, I have decided to rework the story as a children's TV show called Melmoth the Wanderer and Friends.
Each episode begins with Melmoth scouring the world for an inflatable skeleton that he must bring to a birthday party. Unfortunately, this balloon has already been popped by a hideously deformed monk named the Pin Man, so Melmoth shows up at the party empty handed and receives no chocolate cake.
What about Melmoth's friends, you ask. Well, that's the clever part: he hasn't got any. He's a miserable, bedraggled loner who isn't included in the other kid's games. He is told to leave the party and goes and sits by himself on a soaking wet tuft on a blasted heath. At the end of the show, a talking rabbit called Francisco hops past the blasted heath, calls Melmoth a loser, then gives him a black eye.
Surely children of all ages will be able to relate to such a classic, heart-rending tale? My literary agent at the laundromat says it's just the sort of thing Disney execs are looking for.