House of Ill Repute

Notoriously, as witnessed amid the excavations at Pompeii, ancient Roman homeowners thought nothing of erecting replica rampant phalluses above the doorways of their country villas: "Please come in," these mounted good luck tokens suggested. "Welcome to my humble but superbly frescoed abode." In the modern world, of course, we have replaced such salutatory domestic motifs with bulky CCTV cameras, whirring paranoid electronic appendages to the threshold that protrude from our walls at a suitably flaccid angle compared to their Priapic pagan predecessors. Even after the flaring nostril, let-it-all-hang-out success of the sexual revolution, it is virtually impossible to conceive of anyone hanging a huge plastic effigy of a cock on their front door today, unless it should be a cottage industry Viagra merchant advertising his wares, although even then he would almost certainly be risking prosecution. The entrance to my own apartment, for instance, deep within the labyrinth passages of a cursed and crumbling brownstone mansionette, is decorated with an extremely chaste wreath of seasonal flowers encircling a tasteful brass plate inscribed "Please Use Side Door" - a diversionary trap for strangers that directs unscheduled callers outside the building again.
However, folk memory of the Roman tradition remains in such modern ornamental doorway contrivances as the elongated rectangular door knocker and, of course, the English door "knob". In fact, as the writings of DH Lawrence have shown, pretty much anything can be interpreted as a phallic symbol, so I would advise you to be very careful regarding the decorative additions you attach to your house. After all, you don't want the neighbors to gossip.
Meanwhile, you can read the naughty Outer Life on his personal reaction to the female form, with multi-blog pertinent comments by the knowledgeable DarkoV and myself.

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