Orchardonics

Since seventy-percent of the human body is made of water, I am having all the water that is "me" drained and replaced by that artificially-flavored and vitamin-enriched fruit water that is so popular nowadays. This means that every time I swallow it will taste like Tropical Paradise. Unfortunately, when I get excited, I'll probably froth at the mouth like an overflowing fruit smoothie, too. And what about the whole perspiration issue? I don't want to be running around with sweaty, grape stained armpits all summer and smelling like a rotten pomegranate.
Hmm. Maybe I'll just go the simple, sparkling water route instead. Then I'll be able to offer women fizzy kisses at Christmas.