The Declaration of Gingivitus

President Mouthwash stood there in his purple socks, staring idly through the White House windows while wiping his nose on a velvet drape. I held out a handful of wooden teeth for his inspection. These belonged to George Washington, I told him. We've matched the wood grain with the former president's dental records and the lab says it's definitely cherry tree coated with Auld Crown varnish.
How the hell did you get in here? Mouthwash demanded. I gave strict instructions that I was only to be disturbed when the big hand was pointing at the twelve and the little hand was whizzing around really fast.
I came disguised as a SpongeBob SquarePants kiss-o-gram, I replied, but apparently your personal security seemed to think I was the restless ghost of Ted Kennedy and they all ran off screaming.
This brought a grim laugh from Mouthwash. I know what you mean, he said, finally letting the velvet drape drop and turned around to face me. Bunch of pussies. I've seen better men than that at a Barbara Bush look-a-like contest. So. How much do you want for the teeth?
This isn't about money, I explained. It's a matter of principle. It's about affordable dental coverage for everyone, establishing free floss distribution centers for the homeless and raising awareness about the high rate of gum disease amongst illegal aliens.
I was about to list the worst plaque-forming foods in an average American's diet, too, but Mouthwash interrupted me with a signal from the palm of his hand. "For a minute there I was worried," he gargled. "I thought you were a messenger from the powerful Whitening Lobby. But it turns out you're just another bleeding-heart tooth fairy. "

Comments

You sir are a gondolier on the root canals of the American psyche.

Posted by: Outofcontext | January 15, 2010 at 21:46

Minty fresh!
I want to see Ted Kennedy as King Hamlet's ghost, haunting the White House. "Hark, who bloats there?"

Posted by: Dennis | January 18, 2010 at 21:23

I just want to see dental care reform in the US.

Posted by: american fez | January 20, 2010 at 09:59

Hear, hear. Just look what subsidized dentistry has done for British teeth.

Posted by: Dennis | January 23, 2010 at 21:28

Good point, Dennis. Something to chew over.

Posted by: american fez | January 24, 2010 at 10:50

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American Fez