You have never truly scraped the shank of Satan's dirty underpants until you've shopped for a tuxedo. The so-called gentleman's outfitter is stocked with every conceivable kind of shiny, satinesque, ill-fitting penguinery. Here you will find suit coats that would look big and boxy on a gorilla, and alpine pleats with trouser legs roughly sewn on to them. It is an approximation of black tie designed for portly clowns attending a formal circus. This is the viscose, wing-collared well from which the illustrators of pulp romance novels drawn their lurid inspiration.
Tuxedos are only sold in two price ranges at these stores: more than you can afford, or drastically reduced for clearance. There really is no acceptable mid-range, unless you plan to spend the evening squatting in a dark corner where no-one can see you, in which case you might consider Ralph Lauren. So you will be forced to plan an excursion to a tailor's shop in the weird, rundown part of town. He will cackle in a sinister and evil manner when you mention your budget, cough uncontrollably while pulling dusty books of irrelevant fabric swatches from a stack behind a broken toilet, and finally whip you with a tape measure while mumbling something about midnight blue, peak lapels and grosgrain facings. You will give him about a thousand dollars, give or take a few hundred depending on your ability to argue with an obviously dying man.
Now you need to purchase a french-cuff shirt, studs and cuff-links, bow-tie, something inconspicuous to go around your waist, suspenders, pocket square and a pair of glossy shoes. People often say that God is in the details, but I agree with Nietzsche's opinion that God must be dead when discussing tuxedo accessories. Most cummerbunds, for example, are clearly machine-made in Hell using the flayed skins of unrepentant pederasts. Consequently, you must always keep your coat fastened when standing so that innocents will not be exposed to the wretched thing. Also, keep your hands in your pockets as much as possible to hide those cheap cuff-links you won on eBay, and it might be a good idea to keep your scarf on so that nobody can see what a mess you made of tying that bow-tie. You can always blame the over-active air-conditioning if someone asks.
I hope you have found this short guide useful.
I once was invited to the wedding of my then employer. On the invitation it specified 'black tie' as dress code. I had to ask what exactly that meant, and it appeared to be a tuxedo.
'Yeah right, as if I'm going to buy a tuxedo just for that' I thought.
I did buy a suit though, thinking I might need it later. Which I did, last year, but then the moths appeared to have needed that suit as well. So I just put on my black trousers and grey jacket again.
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