The Food Puritan

Traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my house always involved a traditional trip to a friend's house to enjoy their traditional Thanksgiving dinner instead of cooking my own. After all, eating other people's food is how the first Thanksgiving was celebrated, so my parasitism had a certain air of authenticity. And besides, who needs a ransacked turkey carcass dripping cold fat all over the fridge for days on end?
Nevertheless, I usually brought some sort of offering with me when invited elsewhere, no matter how paltry or inedible: a price-stickerless bottle of red wine unsuitable for a white-meat meal, for example; or perhaps an almond gateau from whatever bakery had anything left and was still open at the eleventh hour; maybe even a small selection of Viennese wafers if I struck out at the bakery and got really desperate. For some reason, those last two items, despite being de rigueur desserts at any Austro-Hungarian festivity, never seemed very popular at a Yankee dinner table dominated by withered pumpkins, a cranberry sauce bog, "squash," and a holiday theme plate heaped with arid slabs of roughhewn turkey: the stuffed and basted totem of most Thanksgiving celebrations.
Turkey, as any gourmand knows all too well, is a meat only slightly more flavorful than a pair of wooden clogs fitted with odor-eating charcoal insoles. Continental chefs have tried lathering its trussed body with all manner of exotic herbs and fragrant spices, but the bird's stubborn flesh remains about as mouthwatering as a dusty stick of gray chalk. Anyone who has ever attempted to submerge shards of turkey in a lake of gravy will be aware of its absorbent properties. In the past, I have even used uneaten drumsticks or the odd wing as a makeshift loofah when showering, since they are very convenient for those hard to reach places. Of course, everything changes after marriage: I no longer recycle Thanksgiving leftovers as bathtub accessories, obviously; but most importantly, I now bring proper food and booze with me instead of just store-bought snacks and booze. And this year I'm not only married but also suffer with a heart condition, so that makes everything double-different.
Soy protein is not a substance usually associated with the Pilgrim Fathers. Indeed, tofu, seitan and tempeh sound more like origami folds made during the creation of a decorative paper turkey rather than sauteed entree substitutes for a real, roasted bird. Nevertheless, an artfully marinated soy protein loaf makes a healthy and unique addition to any Thanksgiving feast. Tempeh, in particular, has a pleasing chestnutty taste and texture. A pretentious person such as myself might even describe tempeh as exhibiting certain autumnal qualities: an ideal companion, then, for non-buttered Brussels sprouts and other low-sodium sides. I wouldn't recommend bringing a tofu or seitan dish, however, since they are both extremely bland. In fact, you might just as well eat a paper turkey for all the piquancy you'll find in those poor examples of the bean curdler's art.
So this year I am thankful for tempeh; and low-fat frozen yogurt; and whole grain crackers; and organic root vegetables; and the fruits of New England's orchards; and red wine, naturally; and a large slice of Almond gateau - - yes, even diners with heart diseases are allowed to cheat on their diets at Thanksgiving.

Comments

[Laurent]

'After all, eating other people's food is how the first Thanksgiving was celebrated, so my parasitism had a certain air of authenticity.
I never thought of it that way, I have to admit.

Then again, we Dutch of course don't celebrate Thanksgiving because there was no one to give thanks to when the first men stumbled on this land, aghast at the cold, swampy river delta that nowadays is called the Netherlands and from then on would be their habitat.

[Lesa L. Hanners]

1.Field run, kosher turkey non injected with liquid soy protein isolate. Just processed with salt water.
2.Thaw bird three days in advance, inject with brown rice oil and lemon salt, rub outside with lemon salt, stuff cavity with rosemary, refrigerate.
3.Thanksgiving morning remove bird from fridge, bring to nearly room temperature.
4.Place bird in steel cook pan on its breast not its back.
5.Heat oven to 425, cook bird for 30 to 45 minutes at this temperature, then lower heat to 390. This will cook bird quicker and seal in moisture.
5.Cook until meat thermometer reads proper temperature for poultry.
6.Remove turkey from oven and let rest for 30 minutes, slice and serve.
If this does not turn out well, pour yourself a glass of drambuie, drink and relax.
P.S.I used to raise my own turkeys, problem was they grew so big they wouldn't fit in the stove in one piece. They were however very tasty.

[Lesa]

Recipe correction, cooked bird at 425 entire time, forgot to turn it down, it turned out perfect. Removed from oven when thermometer temperature came up to 175. Let rest for 30 minutes, sliced and served, to a very happy crowd. I hope all of you had a wonderful turkey day.

[Carter]

Tofu has its own set of risks.

[Austen]

Funny post, funny comments. I love this place.

[american fez]

it/they have their moments, to be sure.

[american fez]

Exploded tofu is the only kind that is edible. You just need to make sure it explodes before you put it in your mouth.

[american fez]

Thank you for the recipe, L.
Frankly, I think it's always easier to hire a chef.

[fitted kitchens]

"eating other people's food is how the first Thanksgiving was celebrated" - hey I didn't know this=) I guess thanksgiving is the best time to be a parasite.

[Fitflops]

says Swig. One party found its raison d'etre in a Bill Blass dress. "I had my first luncheon at the penthouse in my wedding dress,