Despite masses of evidence presented by the American Fez Foundation, and expert testimony provided by the eminent Dr. Payoffalopolos, the British Museum still declines to return the Elgin Marbles to their rightful place in my hallway and on either side of my mantelpiece.
Examine the literature for yourself: no serious scholar of antiquity disputes the unassailable fact, asserted by my uncle Earl, that our ancient Greco-Ruritanian ancestor, Dubios of Erewhon, allowed the city of Athens to borrow the marbles in order to spruce up their otherwise dreary hilltop temple complex for a Dionysian orgy. Alas, Dubios proceeded to forget all about them, as he became too preoccupied with storing our family gold reserves in what was then the empty tomb of Tutankhamen (legal ownership case currently pending).
True, scholars make no mention of Dubios's temporary gift of the marbles, either. But that's because they are obviously a bunch of bookworming bores, more interested in obscure points of Delphic etiquette rather than in the profound truth that the souvenir ashtray my aunt Ermentrude brought back from Crete last year would look very nice balanced on the head of the Selene horse.