Unctuous Mather was born in 1707, the thirty-fifth son of Increase and Exhausted Mather, custodians of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, an exclusive seaside resort franchise. Raised in a strict Calvinist household, Unctuous was told "thou shalt not" from an early age, so it is surprising that anything came of him at all.
Fortunately he inherited his father's fiery brand of tourist exploitation, establishing a successful line of Olde Towne Carriage Tours and Witch Burnings in his early twenties. But it is for the Puritan theme park called Matherland that Unctuous is chiefly remembered. Featuring rides and entertainments such as Scripture Island, Smallpox Experience and Indian Wars, the park attracted many visitors from far and wide.
A contributor to Ye Trippe Advifor, the popular eighteenth-century broadsheet, described Matherland as "The best thing to happen to Massachsetts since the Wampanoags finally put some proper pants on." However, the park was also frequently criticised for its Sabbathizer ride, which, according to one visitor, was "Just a bunch of dour-faced people in boring clothes sitting around doing nothing for hours. What a rip off!"
Unctuous Mather died in 1797 at the ripe old age of ninety. He never married for he claimed that residing under the same roof as a woman was shameful, leading to a life of drunkenness and sloth. His remains are buried beneath a commemorative slab in Boston's famous Quincy Market, although the site is currently a changing room in a Victoria's Secret.