Yoga

I have just taken my first yoga class, and I have to say it is the worst martial art that I have ever practised. At the beginning of the class I went into my famous attacking "ha-cha" posture, but everybody else just sat cross-legged on the floor.
I thought it was some kind of deceptive defensive tactic to lull me into a false sense of security. So I circled them warily in silence for about fifteen minutes, ready to strike at any moment, sizing up the opposition and attempting to catch their eyes while they pretended to ignore me.
Clever, clever, I thought, but not clever enough for me.
And then, with all the stealth and fury of a Bengal tiger, suddenly I attacked.
It took me roughly sixty seconds to kick all their faces in. They could do nothing to protect themselves because they had tied themselves up in these weird knot poses and were breathing in this really bizarre way. I was even able to knock the so-called "expert" unconcious with two simple chops to her neck.
I used to think aikido was a crap way of fighting, but yoga takes the biscuit.
Meanwhile ...
After the last M.C. Escher fiasco, I needed to find another interior designer to redecorate my house - and fast.
So. Scanning the classifieds section of the local paper, I saw an ad for de Chirico and Co. and decided to call them up. What the hell, I thought, they can't do any worse than the optical illusion I am living in at the moment.
Giorgio de Chirico himself came over with some sketches and unrolled them on the kitchen table. "These are my ideas." he said with a particularly strange Italian accent and a faraway look in his eyes.
"Basically," he told me, "I am thinking of going for the open-plan and no roof look with a Perpetual Night theme. Lots of deep shadows complemented by a palette of melancholy colors and alabaster. A sprinkling of statues would be chic, perhaps an Ariadne or two, you know, on a nice plinth. And why not be devils and scatter a few busts of Julius Caesar here and there. I'm also thinking we should knock down all these walls and replace them with some tasteful Doric columns, and, you know, a few Greek arches and tunnels that lead nowhere, very fall of Ancient Rome. And all the surfaces should slope at weird angles to one another. That's very important. A very lovely effect."
"That's all very well Mr. de Chirico." I said. "But what about this enormous dead fish thing you've got going on?"
"It's a dead haddock." he replied. "Very in right now with the whole Town and Country crowd. Very New York loft space. If you aske me, dead haddock is the new dead poodle. The smell will disappear in a few weeks. No need to worry about that."
"Well, couldn't we make it a dead flat fish, like a plaice or something, that way I could use it as a throw rug or something. I mean, at the moment it's blocking the entire kitchen."
"A plaice! A plaice!" de Chirico shrieked. "Don't be ridiculous! What a philistine!" And then he picked up his plans and stormed out.
Of course, this rather left me back at square one. However, there is this guy called Rene Magritte who did some very nice window treatments for my friend's apartment. Maybe I will give him a call.

Comments

[KHH]

Hey, don't knock Aikido that much. I could've use my now defunct Aikido skills in a fight I had with my brother at work this past Thursday.

He actually beat me in a fight for the first time in 15 years. Still smarting from it. Course, he does have 6 inches on me, plus 50 pounds and has been working out for the past 3 months, while the toughest workout I had of late was checking into the Sheridan Hotel in New York, but still I should have done a bit better than those damn yoga people. Anyway, enjoy the site, and I'll have to keep checking on it.

[stephenesque]

I don't mean to knock Aikido. In fact, I was actually going to write "judo" instead, but you must admit Aikido just sounds funnier.

[Outer Life]

Studies have shown that "jujitsu" sounds funnier than "aikido".

[stephenesque]

Actually, the real reason I wrote "aikido" was purely nostalgic.
When I was in high school one of the unfortunate, ineffectual loser kids
in my year started practising aikido (unheard of!). When this fact
was discovered by the rest of us, taunting of this loser unfortunate
increased one-hundred fold. When he got really angry we would
all gather around him chanting "show us your aikido."
Of course, he never did.

[KHH]

Aikido is actually supposed to never be used. The concept is that you use "verbal" aikido (don't ask, they never taught me it) to avoid using physical aikido whatsoever.

So, in the confrontation with my brother, I am not even suppose to fight. However, if I do fight, I am suppose to use aikido to get him in a arm lock pinning him to the ground without breaking his arm. This is very hard to do, when you are out of shape, underweight and undersized, and haven't taken a class in a year. Hence, my bloodied ear, brusied back, slight concussion, and cut gums. But next time I'll be ready.

I am going to start practicing on those yoga people first.

[stephenesque]

Eastern fighting techniques are so strange. Too much "mind" involved for my liking.
If you tackle the Yoga People, for your own sake, make sure you haven't entered
a pilates class by mistake.
I look forward to hearing that you beat the crap out of your brother.

[music downloads]

Thanks boys
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