A Typical Woman's Revenge

So I took Hyacinth into town to have her fortune told for Christmas. One of those Rumanian looking women who have a stall in the Whole Foods market did it for her. You know the type. Massive great big gypsy ear rings and silky scarves wrapped her head like a turban. Probably wearing curly shoes too but I couldn't see her feet because they were under the table the whole time. Stank of that hippy oil they all pour down the back of their necks. There were all sorts of religious statues propped up around her table, Egyptian ones, Greek ones, Roman ones, Voodoo ones, Hindu ones, some Virgin Marys, all this iconography all over the place and all jostling for space with loads of candles, crystals and sparkly stuff that I didn't recognise.
Anyway, Hyacinth sits down and I plop down next to her because I'm paying, and then the Rumanian looking woman starts dealing out the cards like they were on fire or something: 'The Lovers' is the first one she turns up. Don't know what that's all about, I snigger out loud, got nothing to do with me. Hyacinth gives me a sharp elbow in the ribs and tells me to shut up and the Rumanian looking woman gives me a nasty stare as if I 'd just puked cheese goulash all over her best linen.
The pair of them pore over some more cards and the woman mutters some crap about higher planes and astral souls and the yeti for all I know because I was checking out this bloody great cabbage that was hanging one of the fruit and veg stalls across the aisle at the time.
Anyway, eventually the woman stacks her cards away and has a go at Hyacinth's palm. You are a cancer, yes? the woman says to Hyacinth, and Hyacinth replies that yes she is.
Then you must approach life sideways as the crab does, the woman tells her.
That's interesting, I say in a fake voice like I really am interested or something, you see I'm an Aquarius so does that mean I'm got to carry great big buckets of water with me wherever I go? I tell you, it's a load of crap all this astrology and the future business. They make it up as they go along those fortune tellers do. Still, Hyacinth seemed to be happy enough with what the woman had told her. Girls always are for some reason. Afterwards we had a quick walk around the market before it closed and Hyacinth asked me to buy a six pack of Evian to take back with us, then we walked home.