Belch and Belchability

(Posted after receiving the news that yet another Jane Austen movie is being released)

It was with great trepidation and anxious summoning of mental fortitude that I, Virginia Primme, a delicate and pale rose petal who is easily and completely crushed by the weight of social expectation, set forth across Alehouse Heath upon my journey to Gassington House one fine Friday morning in September, and in that austere place, guided by the expert and firm hand of Miss Fanny Adams, I was to learn the gentlewomanly arts of Wallflowery and Purse-lippedness. But even the prospect of Miss Adams’ Gassington tutorials filled me with a certain dread, for I had often heard my sister Anne speak of the Scissor Running Room with its endless games of 'Needle-In-Your-Eye', and how Gassington, unlike other great houses around the village of Rumble-Under-Buttocks, lacked the quiet sanctuary of a Whispering Gallery since the third Earl had preferred the construction of a Belching Gallery instead. What public horrors and embarrassments, I wondered, would befall such a introverted, simple daisy as I in such a place? Fortunately I had remembered to pack several cans of Olde Sphincter’s Blasting Red Cheeker Extra Strong Cider among the dresses in my trunk. Consumption of this beverage in swift and lively fashion, I felt certain, would compensate for any bashful feelings I may encounter in the social whirl of the many Autumnal evenings I would spend within the drafty confines of the Belching Gallery over the coming weeks ....

(story will continue after the authoress has attended to her morning's duties in the Life Drawing Room)

Comments

[Bleak Mouse]

I'd always thought it was "guided by the expert and firm fanny of Mrs. Hannah Adams." I deeply loved this book as an adolescent, to the point where the book naturally fell open to this very page.I'd hate to think...but no, impossible.

[Andraste]

Pray, where might I obtain a few lashings of Olde Sphincter’s Blasting Red Cheeker Extra Strong Cider? The holiday weekend approaches, and I daren't show my face at Lady DeMethane's annual bumblast bunting evening without it.

[Cardinal]

This is wonderful, but I don't want to be around when Mrs P sees it. The last time I made sport of Miss Austen, Mrs P wouldn't speak to me.

One hopes that this warning will encourage you to continue...and continue...until you have a whole book that I can buy and read over and over.

[Anna]

Oooh, don't alienate the Austenites - they're a vengeful bunch. Much more of this gassy pastiche and the aforementioned dangly bits will be under threat.