Stephenesque's History of the Movies

Cinema: The Early Years

1891:  Using a short strip of light sensitive gelatin, Thomas Edison films himself in continous motion inventing the overdue electric bill.
Two Days Later: First pornographic film released. "Close Up of the Female Sexual Organs" starring Miss Ethel Bohemian and an uncredited vagina.

1894:  The Apache Film Collective makes movie about invasion of pale-faces called "How The West Was Wan"
One Day Later: "How The West Was Wan" is stolen from the Apache Film Theater and shown at the Custer Nickelodeon.

1895:  First bearded, pretentious film buff uses the word "Kino"

1897:  G.W Pabstblueribbon directs "Heap Big Sequel: How The West Was Wan 2"

1898:  First draft of "Kramer vs Kramer" screenplay is completed.

1899:  In Paris, cameraman Pierre Borette falls asleep while filming the exterior of a tobacconist's shop, signaling the birth of French cinema.

1900:  First pornographic film "with a story" is released, "Sexania, Slave Girl of the Sultan of Sleazaria" starring Theda Bearer.

1902:  Oliver Stone's ego begins to form amid unstable deposits of volcanic rock and molten lava at the Earth's core.

1903:  D.W Griffithofvodka directs: "Birth Of A Casino: How The West Was Wan 3. "

1904:  Oliver Stone's evolving ego responsible for eruption of Mount Vietnam in the Hollywood Islands.

1905:  Kodak introduce new color film process patented by Henry Ford, who famously quips: "You can have any color as long as it's black and white."
Three days later: first color pornographic film released, "Behind The Smudgy and Steaky and Grainy, Kinda Greenish Door."

1908:  First movie gimmick employed when "Doris Day Speak with Forked Tongue: How The West Was Wan 4" is released in Scalp-O-Vision.

1909: Thomas Edison broadcasts personal apology about quality of films to the nation on his new invention, the television.

Comments

[Carter]

Hollywood is remaking the Borette film, but this time the exterior of the tobacconist's shop is going to be entirely CGI.

[Mrs. Peperium]

Wait - where's A Fair to Remember starring Marcel Marceau?

[Dick]

Lots of fascinating nuggets of neglected film history here. I look forward to Walt Disney's first appearance.

[rorosen]

my gosh, I've actually laughed,.. wish I'd had a camera.