How To Write A Best Selling Novel
Part 5: "Appearing On National Public Radio"
1. Pick an profound topic that is also "heartbreaking" such as the Rwandan genocide - or perhaps the Holocaust if you are writing a historical romance.
2. Invent a pair of star-crossed lovers who have been swept up in these events. Perhaps one of them has something to atone for, and the other must return an object of immense emotional significance to its original owner whom he or she had stolen it from. Bestow upon them evocative names such as Jake and Tabitha. They should be caring, spiritual and artistic persons who are in danger of being crush by the perils of the modern world, like working for a living.
3. Choose a variety of interesting locations in which your story will unfold, how about: The Lower East Side in the 1970s, modern day Pennsylvania farm country, Rwanda, WW2 Prague, Istanbul in the 1970s, Paris during the war, Montana, medieval China - that should cover the first three chapters (read up a little on the history of these places in case you are a guest on a phone-in and someone quizzes you about them; a child's encyclopedia will do since the people who call into NPR talk shows are not very smart)
Top Tip: All these characters should be of different ethnicities so that you book encompasses as much diversity as possible. It doesn't matter if it is extremely unlikely that all these different ethnicities would encounter each other at the same time, since this makes your novel's conclusion all the more "shattering."
4. Now write the book. This part of the exercise shouldn't take very long to complete, and remember, it's a cool literary technique to construct the story so that chapters switch between past and present plot lines in an ABAB fashion.
5. In preparation for your radio interview, practice repeating the sanctimonious phrase "I wanted to let the American people know about the horrors happening every day inside Rwanda/Buchenwald/Armenia, etc" Again, it doesn't matter if everybody already knows about these horrors, and that there have been numerous previous books written on the subject, blockbuster documentary films, and even illustrated children's books - - as far as the listening thousands are concerned, only you hold the keys to progressive enlightenment.
6. Although Bush and Cheney have absolutely nothing to do with the events that are central to your novel, be sure to criticize the "current administration" during your interview as often as possible - and bravely announce that it is daring of you to do so, even though everybody else does it daily as well. After all, the morons who listen to NPR won't notice!
7. Call up and schedule your appearance on "Fresh Air" - that show is absolutely gagging for new guests who have written crap books.
"Powerful and important, [bestselling novel] is a beautifully written and richly imagined novel that reverberates long after the turning of its final page. It should be read, it must be read." - Anna Quindlen
Posted by: Carter | July 17, 2006 at 22:38
Be sure to announce that you are gay, or, at least thinking about it, in the middle of the interview...Sure to boost sales...
Posted by: Basil Seal | July 17, 2006 at 22:48
A celebrity murder always helps.
Posted by: Kathryn | July 18, 2006 at 13:28
It's all luck and you people are all jealous.
Posted by: Mortimer Shy | July 18, 2006 at 14:09
I am not gay - although I know a celebrity murder victim who was.
But Mortimer is right, I am jealous of those who have their egos massaged on NPR - my own needs some vigorous massaging as we speak. Yet I don't think this truth detracts from the fundemental crapness of the books being peddled.
Posted by: stephenesque | July 18, 2006 at 14:14
I refuse to jump in on the NPR bashing. It beats having to fool around with the shortwave radio all the time for alternate somewhat unbiased radio programs, especially when one is driving a fuel tanker careeming down I87 between Lake Placid & Albany. Frankly, I wish I'd be able to catch CBC on my radio dial, but that's another complaint for later.
What I wanted to ask here, a tangential NPR to public radio question is this.
In my area of the woods, we listen to Philly's PBS outlet, WHYY. They have proudly been pronouncing (it seems everytime they recite their call letters, in fact) that they are broadcasting in HD radio. Do you know anything about this. I mean, have you ever listened to HD radio? Is it something worth considering or can I simply turn my bass and treble dials to the max and I'll get the similar sound without shelling out the big bills.
Just asking. Seriously (no, not Serius-ly).
Posted by: DarkoV | July 21, 2006 at 08:12
I've never been able to figure out HD radio either. My guess is it's HDTV's little, ugly, retarded brother.
WRTI is also available in your area, and they play classical music and really cool jazz. If you're tired of the nattering of PBS, try RTI.
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