Candy Errup, heavy-set, eighteen-year-old daughter of Mr and Mrs Phil Errup, works full-time at The Gut, a fashion retailer catering to fuller-figured girls, and consequently the most popular clothing store in the Skunkerton Shopping Mall. Candy is responsible for operating dressing-room spycam number two, and also for scraping chocolate crumbs and soda stains out of the merchandise that customers have tried on and rejected.
Throughout the summer Skunkerton's flagship Gut store has been pushing its "Everything Elasticated" range of skimpy skirts for fat chicks. Candy particularly likes the Everything Elasticated stuff because it mixes and matches well with Gut's midriff-revealing "Boob 'n' Belly" signature tube tops, and it also looks really cool with the sparkly nose and nasel piercing jewelry she gets for cheap from Sexy Slutz with her frequent-shopper discount card.
During her breaks Candy likes to smoke cigarettes and guzzle grape soda by the loading dock. After flirtatiously swapping belches with Tony and Juan in shipping and receiving, she waddles over to the Mall elevators and rides up one floor to Boreders Books & Music. Here she browses through the dictionary looking for words such as "rhytidectomy" and "abdominoplasty." Alas! She always scrunches up her acne-riddled, rouge-smeared face because she can't even understand the definitions.
Nevermind. After work Candy enjoys relaxing in the Food Court with a milkshake at Fellatio's, or a fruit eggo from Shiny Pancake. She will tell you that she's "people watching" - but it's hard to see how, since her fellow Gut-clad diners are so monstrously obese that they block the view!
Right now, on sale, don't miss Gut's Back To Diet School Special Super-Saver featuring Gut's latest collection of Pret-a-Portly figure-hugging, flab-exploding hot pants in your choice of over a zillion brand new sickly colors. Available exclusively while stocks last at your local Gut store, Skunkerton Shopping Mall, Route 666, Skunkerton, Massachushits. Exit to the rear. Thank you.
So this is how God feels directing his creation! I am somebody. I matter. I utter forth into the void and lo, it shall be. I am well pleased. Now burning all manner of fatted calf and muscular thigh, I proclaim Candy must have a brother,..for who can measure self-centeredness without the yardstick of kin?
Posted by: rorosen | August 21, 2006 at 23:54
slave driver!
Posted by: stephenesque | August 22, 2006 at 08:33
hey, don't get me in a smiting mood. you don't want me to open up a can of smite-ass. i am a jealous and angry god,..and i can't find my car keys. someone's gonna see his girlfriend turned into a pillar of salt today, i just can feel that going down. so careful now or i'll demand a pyramid built of girlfriend-blocks. you get off easy atoning with writings. i've wrought far worse, you ought to know. slave driver? look what i did to my son and he never complained much(except when he hit his thumb with a hammer)
Posted by: rorosen | August 22, 2006 at 09:07
Dear God: I'll be working on the story of Jack Errup later today it is the tale of An American Chav.
Posted by: stephenesque | August 22, 2006 at 09:12
well, ok then. I'll bewatching and bechecking. Ever so glad of my creation. The entertainment value and what not. ONE does feel a trifle empty up here now and again,..better you should conceive of ways to alleviate my boredom than leave it to me. I tend to think big,..broad canvas sort of thing. I find the microcosms more manageable, less messy.
Posted by: god | August 22, 2006 at 10:38