Cloud Minus-Nine

Squashed into the window seat of a very small and extremely immobile plane, I realized that entrusting my sanity to US Airways was a tremendous error of judgment. Indeed, my journey would have been more comfortable, convenient and much speedier had I booked passage on a leaky, three-masted schooner crewed by an incompetent mob of rum-sodden orangutans suffering from serious arthritis. But I was not to know that when scanning the internet for the lowest-priced fares two weeks prior to my departure. (Actually, come to think of it, if anyone reading this knows of a web-site offering deals on ape-operated sea-going transport could they please let me know immediately as I still have to make my holiday travel plans and am looking for reliable modes of getting from point to point).
For some reason, the cramped and delay-encumbered US Airways flights seem to be the airline option favored by fat people everywhere. In fact, a US Airways jet taking off can be accurately likened to a blind man hanging about in the middle of a road for an hour and then suddenly tossing a can of lard into the air without seeming to care where or when the canister of fat will land. At least apes would have the good grace the eat the fleas on the vessel before letting their customers board.