American Fez

eMarx

How strange it is that writers of software programs never author software programs that make their own jobs redundant. And why is everybody being replaced by robots except for the people that make robots? The future is always such a stitch-up.

I think the term "open source code" actually means "suitable for ages twenty-nine and under."

Thanks to modern technology, complex tasks are now easier to perform while once simple chores become more difficult. Youthful tech barons will soon be able to matter-transport themselves to the moon faster than aging plebs can drive around the corner in a car. 

Office workers of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your ability to binge watch Game of Thrones on Netflix.

What A Piece Of Work Is A Manuscript

William Shakespeare's Top Five Rules For Writing That Sells

1. fucceffful writing be ten-percent infpiration and ninety-percent perfpiration.  

2. Exeunt Adverbs pursued by Editors.

3. The passive voice is as tedious as a twice-told tale, vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man

4. Get someone such as Francis Bacon, Christopher Marlowe or the Earl of Oxford to actually write your works then sit back and take all the credit and international accolades. 

5. This above all: write what is true to what thine own self knows.

Blogger's note: I don't really believe that anyone but William Shakespeare really wrote his plays.  I'm just trying to be whimsical here. Please do not use the comment section to accuse me of being a maniac (though of course I do realise that accusing others of being maniacal is the main purpose of leaving comments on websites)

Eau de Toilette

Are you wearing aftershave?

Since no man desires olfactory notoriety in the office, I immediately began dreading such a question upon application of my new deodorant this morning. Even then, though still half-asleep, I knew the roll-on aroma was over-poweringly obnoxious; that its relentless stench would seep from beneath armpits, filter through the cotton and woolen layers of my clothes and stink up the atmosphere like a perfumed arsonist set fire to a Yankee Candle store.

Did somebody spray a ton of air-freshener in here?

The manufacturer describes the scent as "original" - but original what? Original scent of Louis XV taking his underpants off in Madame du Barry's boudoir? Original scent of koala bear belching up a chunk of chewed eucalyptus leaves? Original scent of headhunter brushing with minty-fresh toothpaste after devouring a German missionary? 

Did somebody say "potpourri?"

Slimy Muse

I've never considered the possibility that I might be in possession of a mojo, never mind one that is workin', as they say. 

Rather, my creative urge manifests itself as an especially lethargic frog who occasionally summons enough energy to leap from browning lilypad to browning lilypad across a stagnant pond; the trajectory of its mottled green body and dangling legs forming an aerial pattern that, upon close inspection by anyone bored enough to observe such acrobatics, reveals a somewhat whimsical but ultimately worthless message.

In fact, I suppose you could say "i've got my frog working" at this very moment, even if the frog is being tediously self-referential.

Breakfast Buffet at the Hotel Splendide

Egg of chicken, turkey sausage and pig crinkled into bacon. Look you, here be individual packets of cornflakes, frosted mini-wheats and selection of artisanal jams. Kippered herring? 

Toasted and buttered, a bagel smolders beside a three egg omelet with ham smothered in ketchup like a detached tire at the scene of an automobile accident. It is seven in the morning. Elsewhere, another bagel is draped with smoked salmon and a slab of unspreadable cream-cheese. Cholesterol has risen before the sun today.

Er, just a splodge of yogurt sprinkled with granola for me, please. And that last banana. Thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry sir. The last banana is reserved for Prince Nabisco. I can offer you a seasonal fruit salad instead, if you would like.

You mean the mushy looking, pre-packaged melon salad garnished with a single red grape?

Yes.

Oh go on, then. Twist my arm. Let's start the week off with a bang.