American Fez

Putting The 'No' Back Into Wampanoag.

"No citizen of the United States should refrain from turkey on Thanksgiving Day."

So said Alexander Hamilton, with typical, supercilious disdain for his fellow Americans. I mean, does anyone in America actually like turkey?

No, I didn't think so. It's the most tedious meat imaginable, requiring total submersion in thick gravy or encasement by inch-thick walls of cranberry sauce to be considered even vaguely edible.

Why, then, did Hamilton feel the need to force it down our throats with his pompous speechifying? It's no wonder Aaron Burr shot the man.

Even the of briefest glances at that first Thanksgiving dinner menu would instantly reveal the presence of lobster, clams and fish.

If only Hamilton had said: "No citizen of the United States should refrain from grilled trout on Thanksgiving Day."

Freshwater game versus common fowl? There's no contest. Personally, I'd much prefer to celebrate Trout Day rather than the ignominious and silly sounding Turkey Day.

So that's what I'll be not refraining from on Thursday.

Office Coffee

Flavors available in the canteen this week

Roasted Cardboard: dark blend of imported packing boxes with hints of styrofoam and masking tape; ideal for an afternoon pick-me-up and deposit on the photocopier until someone knocks it over and you have to call the guy from Canon.

Nubian Bum: Oscar's private stash that he keeps in the supplies cabinet behind the stacks of printing paper with the old letterhead. Pairs well with Susan's pizza she left in the fridge hoping to eat later.

French Sludge: rich blend of unidentified matter found in drain near Parisian sidewalk cafe; perfect for leaving undrunk on someone else's desk until it gets cold or they knock it over their computer keyboard.

Tar Water: thin, shiny liquid with particles of grit floating around in it, possibly decaffinated; 

Obsidian XXX: grey-brown substance scraped from the bottom of that coffee pot left unwashed in the canteen sink since last week; subtle flavors of bacteria and dead fly with slightly nauseating aromas of things going bad.

Starbucks: Give me ten bucks and I'll send the intern on a coffee run; don't expect any change.