One hot summer long ago, after waking late with a post-party heavy head, I found it necessary to eschew showering in order to arrive at work on time. To compensate for this shameful neglect of personal hygiene, I applied such an excess of roll-on deodorant to my underarms that the spindly hairs hanging there clumped together, taking on the semblance of impressive stalactites suspended from the caverns of my armpits. I also enveloped the bathroom and myself in a blizzard of talcum powder, then slathered inexpensive aftershave around my neck and across my wrists. Despite my emergency estrangement from soap and water, I was determined not to stink. At least, not of young man smells anyway.
The industrial-strength mentholated talc, minty fresh deodorant, oil slicks of Old Spice, and the residual essence of too much booze seeping from my pores combined to turn me into a sort of walking mojito scented candle, burning at both ends. "Did they shampoo the carpet last night?" someone asked as I passed by their desk. To make matters worse, I'd decided to sprinkle a lot of talc into my shoes as well, so little chalky clouds of powder puffed out of the sides of my penny loafers with each step, as if I was wearing a pair of steam engine funnels instead of socks. The lesson I learned that day was this: bosses don't really care if you're behind schedule provided they don't require breathing apparatus in your presence.
Nowadays, of course, I work from home and could postpone showering indefinitely. But the experience described above scarred me for life, so standing beneath a cascade of hot water has become an essential stage in my morning transformation from groggy biped larva into fully-fledged human being. I simply cannot function without washing away the cocoon of sleep with a steady stream of powerful detergents. I don't know how I would cope without the convenience of modern plumbing. I certainly wouldn't survive in a dystopian, post-apocalyptic America where provision of public utilities was cut off. Don't expect me to leave the compound at dawn to scavenge for supplies in the ruins of civilization if I reek of my own perspiration, that's all I'm saying.
Comments