American Fez

Yule 2020

Merry Super-Spreader Event and a Happy New Covid Mutation to all who occasionally kill time by reading this blog. May the kaleidoscope of life rearrange itself into brighter and more attractive patterns in the coming year; and may your new normal be everything you've always wished normal would be. I know that's a lot to hope for considering the world's current mob of dysfunctional, delusional and dishonest leaders make King Herod look like Jesus' fairy godmother, but you have to remain optimistic.

Advent Bemusements

So many multicolored Christmas lights decorate the houses on my street that the night seems brighter than the day. Giant inflatable cartoon characters, also illuminated, have appeared in many neighborhood gardens, most only tenuously connected with the holidays. If you can pull a Santa hat over its head and hang an icicle from its nose then it's considered seasonal, I guess. But the overall effect is more Pink Floyd concert than any Winter Wonderland. There is no room for a one horse open sleigh here unless it is turbo-charged. The star of Bethlehem is outshone by a disco glitter ball rotating amid animated red and green lasers.

By comparison, the traditional Nativity scene erected outside the local church looks like a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. "Hello my name is Melchior and I'm a frankincense addict." The unlit wooden figures are in such poor shape it is hard to tell the poor shepherds from the Kings of Orient and the sheep from the camels. Behold one lowly cattle shed in desperate need of a Disney makeover. Even the Angel of the Lord seems itching to fly away as soon as possible. If there is a war on Christmas, then this church has shot itself in the foot.

Consumer Complaints

As if keeping up with the protean world of modern technology was not difficult enough, these days I even find myself bemused by the unrecognizably futuristic toothbrushes currently available at my local supermarket. What was once a basic plastic stick embellished with a small rectangle of perpendicular bristles now resembles a multicolored, six-sided, space-age battle-axe with a comfort-grip handle. The sort of vicious hand-held weapon Darth Vader might choose to clean his teeth with if they practice dental hygiene on the Death Star.

You can also buy an extra-powerful battery-operated "sonic" toothbrush if you so desire. The teeth cleaning equivalent of a domestic chainsaw or personal pneumatic drill. Apparently it is not enough to simply maintain minty fresh breath anymore, you must also annihilate your entire oral microbiome. All plaque residue must suffer the Death of a Thousand Bristles for at least two minutes, including in hard to reach areas. In the end I just left and went to the health food store nearby where I bought an old-style bamboo brush for four bucks.

You've Been Framed

What would the Framers of the Constitution think of the apparently unreconcilable polarities that typify contemporary American politics? No doubt they would wonder why Trump and Biden don't simply settle their differences by drawing pistols at dawn. After all, most quarrels can be swiftly resolved by a duel to the death with the weapon of your choice. Yet our infamously duplicitous modern politicians might find it difficult to find a willing second to accompany them into the field of confrontation. I mean, who in their right mind would honestly trust Trump or Biden to actually show up at the appointed hour?

And it is today's lack of honor among the so-called 'highest in the land' which would cause the Framers of the Constitution to consider reframing their work. America has regressed from Founding Fathers to Deadbeat Dads in a few short centuries. At this rate, pretty soon we'll degenerate into just Anonymous In-Vitro Fertilized Authority. I can easily imagine a future Oval Office dominated by Trump's brain attached to electrodes floating in a gilded tank of formaldehyde. Of course, the White House will operate from a Martian or Lunar base by then, issuing interstellar edicts to we malnourished Earthbound plebs in our crumbling shantytowns.