American Fez

No Reindeer Required

Children staring with wonder at a toyshop window is an enduring image of Christmas, as are the gleaming wares on display within: the wooden train, the raggedy doll, the stuffed bear, the Ruritanian soldier, the multi-colored blocks with numbers and letters printed on them, and all the other timeless stocking-stuffers made by elfin hand in a North Pole workshop. But all these traditional Christmas presents have clearly been forgotten in the bottom of Santa's sack, left behind on the back of his sleigh, stuck in the middle of the chimney. No self-respecting kid wants to discover an old-fashioned rocking horse beneath the tree anymore, not when they can ride a three-speed, battery-powered inflatable dragon (suitable for ages 3-10) instead. The pop-up book of fairy tales is usurped by a spoken-word Hans Christian Andersen digital audio file.  In fact, rather than gathering in front of a toyshop window, the cherub-cheeked children of modern Christmas are more likely to be found dancing around a holly-trimmed rack of Amazon gift cards, staring with wonder at a glowing iPad screen offering a limitless choice of music, movies and games. And so, as Santa's grotto becomes an Internet shopping cart, it seems all toys have been exiled to the Island of Misfit Toys. Even the three-speed, battery-powered inflatable dragon must take its place beside the jack-in-the-box and the jigsaw puzzle in the pile of unwanted and obsolete childhood ephemera. I wish you a merry download and happy new landfill.

Bethlehem Down

Via San Gregorio Armeno in Napoli is a street practically devoted to selling Christmas ornaments. It's the Neapolitan alleyway equivalent of Santa's grotto, but staffed with wheeler-dealer Geppettos rather than cheerful elves. Perusing the vast array of hand-carved figurines on sale, you can choose to expand the historical scope of your family's nativity scene with such characters as Pulcinella and deceased soccer star Maradonna, neither of whom, as far as I'm aware, were present at the virgin birth. But then I'm one to talk. 

Over the years, I've collected so many different types of animal for my own nativity scene that it more resembles a first-century veterinary clinic than a lowly cattle shed. I have four plastic camels because presumably the three wise men brought a spare; enough sheep and goats to supply baby Jesus with a lifetime's supply of artisanal cheese; some assorted-sizes of ducks and geese; two fluffy buffalo; an army of free range-chickens; and, for some reason, a leopard. Since one of the shepherds got lost somewhere along the way I've always assumed the leopard simply ate him. No tooth-marked, mangled cadaver has ever been discovered as evidence, but I prefer that explanation to blaming my own carelessness.  

'Silent Night, Holy Night' disturbed by the deafening echo of feeding time at the zoo. That's how I imagine the nativity scene I've created might sound. Just the raucous quacking of ducks alone would drown-out the Herald Angels singing. No need to follow a star you Wise Men with your extra camel, because the clucking of all those crazy chickens and the bellowing buffalo will guide you to the manger much faster. In fact, the only 'silent' things here are the stealthy footsteps of the leopard stalking its unwary prey. You'd better watch out, as the song goes!

There's Always Something

November's first really cold day reminds me that winter probably won't be the walkable wonderland of popular song; more likely it will be a frozen tundra from dystopian fiction, an icebound Hell patrolled by unsympathetic snowmen impersonating the sinister 'Parson Brown.'

Clearly, I should have concealed my skull within a wooly hat before venturing forth. But I am not yet mentally prepared for winter's frigid weather. Shouldering the burden of a thick coat and muffling myself in scarves and ear-muffs still seems like the evil fate awaiting he who wanders away from the light of reason. After all, who in their right mind would willingly choose a front row seat for Sol's disappearing act? Yet here I am living in New England where we remain in the frosty amphitheater long after the sun god's show is over. Here come the Robin Redbreast usherettes bob bobbing along selling hot chestnuts and spicy cider. Some small consolation, I suppose.

So why venture forth at all when indoors can be so cozy by comparison? It is always the dream, of course, to be one of two sleepy people sprawled in front of a roaring fire wearing flannel pajamas while the world outside turns into the Antarctic, and winter's bitter chill allows us to live that dream ... at least until smoldering logs in the fire set the smoke alarm screaming. There's always something.

From Studio 101

I avoid broadcast news for the same reason I avoid walking down dark alleys in the bad part part of town: I fear the clear and present dangers lurking in its telepromptered shadows.

For example, an in-depth report on rising wealth inequality will cause severe cranial trauma from banging my head on the nearest coffee table. Any segment covering congressional politics feels as though I'm being kicked to the ground by a gang of vicious delinquents.

Even a vacuous item revealing some attention-seeking celebrity's unsympathetic personal problems can induce spine-chilling terror. It's like listening to a serial killer's grisly confession, including details of where all the bodies are buried and an ingratiating demand that society should shoulder the blame.

"A cautionary tale for everyone there. And now over to John of the Apocalypse with the weather."

But then I don't really read the newspaper, either. I assume we still have one delivered; it's hard to know. Sometimes it's there on the doorstep. Sometimes it's stolen. Sometimes it's thrown into next-door's fish pond. Sometimes the kid with the paper round calls in sick and nobody bothers to replace him. Sometimes the printers go on strike. And sometimes there aren't enough advertising dollars to justify publishing the damned thing anyway.

So where do I get my news? I guess from the look on people's faces as I pass them in the street. And I have to say the news has got that manic-depressive look in it's eyes. In fact, I'd say the news wants to throw itself under the wheels of an oncoming bus and won't be back after these messages.

Things And Other Things

Tuesday morning. The sun elbows the moon out of the sky, 'I was sitting here,' and makes itself comfortable with a couple of clouds for pillows then spreads its legs across the land. A fist of light knocks that clump of sleep from your head, wipes away the residue of dreams, and drags you from your bed by what's left of your hair. And the voice of yesterday, still camped in the back of your head, reminds you of all its plans for today, all those tasks that you put off until .... 

Meanwhile, the mirror in the bathroom tries to catch your eye: 'Something needs to be done about that nose thing,' its reflecting surface says. 'Do it now with those tweezers while you remember.' But you need at least two cups of coffee before tackling any nose things. Besides, the bathroom mirror can't see your feet so is ignoring the foot thing; and, let's face it, the foot thing should probably take priority over the nose thing, especially this early in the week. Above all, there remains this perpetual lack of energy thing, as if your bones have been soaked in essence of ennui, an invisible problem impervious to tweezers and even the magic potion called caffeine. 'Let's make every day a great day,' sniggers the Ghost of Ambitions Past. 

Last Christmas, the Secret Santa gift I received was a desk top calendar of motivational quotes from various sources. I only managed to get to January 13th before changing the calendar's status from desk top to trashcan bottom. The thing about motivational quotes, of course, is that the quotes are often a melange of contradictory platitudes, as if written by an indecisive guru who can't choose between the spiritual and the materialistic. On Wednesday he counsels stopping to smell the roses, then changes his mind on Thursday and advises grasping them by the thorns instead, but by Friday thinks it's actually better to ignore the roses altogether and consider the lilies. Sort of like Rumi refereeing a fight between a hermit and an entrepreneur in the overgrown garden of Mary Mary Quite Contrary.

In other words, reading motivational quotes won't boost your energy levels. You'd be better off with a daily calendar of Shakespearian insults or Gary Larson cartoons. At least they might be amusing and laughter can always be relied upon to lift the spirits.when nothing else will. If only Confucius had been a comedian who published pictograms of his best skits. And with a grim smile from that thought you get dressed in your sloth costume and ride the electric snail to your office, listening to the voice of tomorrow offering to take care of all those things you were supposed to do yesterday. It's not so bad, after all.

Bible Studies

I'm well aware of what the Sermon on the Mount referred to as 'the beam' in my own eye; and the beam reminds me of one of those iron girders hanging high above the black-and-white city in old pictures of skyscrapers being built, complete with cloth-capped laborers balanced on its rivets eating their lunch or waving at the camera. But I don't know what to do about this beam. If it's removed, I know from experience that the restless construction workers of the mind will simply hoist another one into view, followed by another one, until I have the entire Empire State Building rising into my pupils. Before too long, there will be so many beams in my eye I might as well be wearing a pair of those novelty sunglasses in the shape of the Manhattan skyline.

However, for all these sturdy beams being erected in my eye, I'm not so sure there's just the single, paltry mote in my neighbor's eye. In fact, I'd say it's snowing motes across his face; an impenetrable blizzard of motes accumulating in his eyelids. And with all due respect to Jesus, I sometimes feel it's better to have an architectural wonder in my eye than a barren tundra of frozen motes. After all, you can see a lot from the top of the Empire State Building whereas my neighbor's mote storm has obviously reduced visibility to near zero. This presents a difficult problem for theologians, especially Biblical literalists. But those people have so many motes in their eyes that the motes are coming out of their ears, so I can't expect them to hear what I'm saying, never mind see my point of view.

Consumer Unendurables

The Business of America is business, claimed Calvin Coolidge, back when bewhiskered financiers wandered around Wall Street wearing homburg hats and coats with astrakhan collars. Nowadays, of course, the Business of America is importing disposable consumer goods from sweatshop gulags and so-called stock futures are traded by hungover playboys in silk pajamas. But it's all good as long as we don't actually think about it, like so much else in modern life. Just pre-order your must-have plastic garbage now to avoid disappointment later.

Unfortunately, however, there appear to be "supply chain" problems at the moment. Not enough minimum-wage workers to process the minimum-quality products from one place to another. It remains to be seen whether the powers-that-be allow transportation issues to transform Black Friday's shopping bonanza into an economic gray area, but a holiday season not dominated by discount electronics destined for the local landfill, not to mention a fast fashion retail slowdown, would make a welcome change.

Which brings me to Hallowe'en. It never ceases to amaze me how a celebration of the incorporeal has become such a busy marketplace of the material world, almost as if Celtic Twilight has been superseded by Walmart Dawn, or All Saints Eve renamed All Sales Final Eve. The traditional parade of ghouls is now a catwalk of "sexy" witch costumes and Harry Potter lookalikes. Meanwhile, my neighbors have even installed a giant inflatable Frankenstein's monster in their front yard and strung a mass of neon spider's web across a row of bushes. Festive decorations are always nice, obviously, although personally I feel a flickering Jack O'Lantern on the doorstep is all that is required.

I doubt those aforementioned supply chain problems will stop the flood of high-fructose corn syrup that engulfs Halloween every year, either. After all, Willy Wonka doesn't need licensed truck drivers when there are eager child laborers willing to transport his candy bars across town in pumpkin-shaped plastic orange tubs for free. And that is the shady little sideline that the Business of America promotes: encouraging the greedy sugar high of youth that will decay into the chronic credit card debt of adulthood, because America's sales pitch convinces us that cravings should be satisfied even if we can't afford them. As always, the treat is also a trick. Boo! Beware.

Cider With Poesie

I tarried awhile on the bridge, taking pictures of the river in early morning autumn fog, imagining myself a character in the atmospheric opening paragraph of a spy novel, or obscured somewhere deep in the umpteenth verse of a T. S. Eliot poem. "Who is the third who always walks beside you?" It's the gloomy ghost of a street-sweeper, perhaps, forever doomed to wave his spectral broom at swirling leaves. Or maybe it's just a sleepy college student returned from Coronavirus break. I had not thought Intro To Western Civilization had undone so many.

Despite the strong claims of Spring to be the season of renewal and rebirth, I've always felt Autumn is the true time of fresh beginnings, probably because September was the month when school started and year-long leases were signed for new apartments with new friends in new areas of the city. In other words, I associate Autumn with embarking upon great adventures, with a first foot on the road of those picaresque quests that lead to an exciting future. But here I am on the bridge again, neither here nor there, as yet another Autumn floats upstream with the fog. I can't help thinking the apples I picked were already rotten.

Technicolor Dream Raincoat

An overly-enthusiastic shop assistant tries to sell me a new-fangled rain jacket that is so "Hi-Tec" I can't understand how the hood works. There are so many straps, buckles, snaps, zippers, and draw-strings it 's more like a Rube Goldberg machine than a regular anorak.

According to the dictionary-sized sales brochure attached to the jacket's adjustable sleeve, it's possible the inside lining can pull-out and with the help of some pegs and a telescopic pole (not supplied) provide emergency shelter in the form of a portable bivouac. In fact, the pockets are so deep and roomy they can easily contain all your camping equipment and food, making the traditional back-pack and picnic hamper obsolete.

That's great. But will the damn thing keep me dry in a storm? The assistant claims the jacket is so waterproof that some deep-sea divers have even started wearing it instead of a conventional wetsuit when exploring the ocean depths. Indeed, so positive has been the response of the oceanographic community to this jacket, the jacket's manufacturer is currently sponsoring Season Seven of Under Water Mysteries on the Travel Channel.

Okay, fine, I say. But can you explain to me how to put the hood up?

There's a full-length instructional video on YouTube, the assistant replies, featuring slow-motion HD aerial drone footage of how to operate the hood in a series of easy to follow steps. Online chat on the manufacturer's website and twenty-four-hour telephone helplines staffed by a team of certified experts are also available.

In the end, much to the assistant's chagrin, I opt for a much simpler and cheaper jacket. This jacket comes with an ordinary hood you just pulled up over your head when it started raining and pushed back down again when it stopped. Not very fancy but at least I know how it works. And the cheaper jacket is only "water resistant," not "completely waterproof," but seems to offer reasonable protection against the elements should I get caught in an unexpected downpour.

You won't be able to go swimming in that, the assistant says, and you'll need to bring a separate tent if you plan on sleeping in the woods.

I just want to wear it traveling back and forth to the office, I say Mine is an average commute, not a triathlon, and it's a desk job, not a Survivalist course.

The assistant gives me a pitying look, as if I'm missing out on life's great adventure. You only live once, his eyes imply, so you should live each day as an extreme sport. But of course, that is exactly what I do do. Every day I play the extreme sport of trying to be a normal person in this day and age. And it's extremely exhausting, I can tell you.

Specious Offers

Somehow, despite all my digital defenses, a spam email written in block capitals and italics wriggles its nefarious way into my inbox. This very vulgar communication promises that, with the sender's expert assistance, I can become wealthy by investing in Boston real estate. A tempting proposition except you have to be extremely wealthy already to afford even a single square foot of Boston property at current market prices, so that counts me out.

I can't imagine a more redundant and inappropriate proposal except perhaps spamming Priapus with penis enlargement advertisements. Besides, I've never wanted to be a real estate magnate or even a well-endowed Lothario for that matter. My ambitions in both those particular spheres are far more modest, namely a room with a view and underpants that don't chafe. In fact, there is nothing I want from the spam emailers and advertisers other than to be left alone.

Ah, to be left alone. The dream of dreams. These days, even an off-grid, misanthropic hermit living in the deepest cave atop the most inaccessible mountain can only forlornly hope that the marketing messages won't find him. Because they certainly will. They'll carpet bomb his mountain with colorful brochures and catalogs from J Crew and Banana Republic. They'll hire a team of crack German yodelers to sing into his cave twenty-four-seven until the hermit realizes he must switch to Liberty Mutual to get the best home insurance deals. 

The Bloating World

We've come a long way from the days of Jack Sprat who could eat no fat and his unnamed wife who could eat no lean. Nowadays, eating disorders are as common as the common cold, and medical science apparently has no cure for peanut allergies and lactose intolerance either. A modern day Jack Sprat and their, we'd better call them their 'partner,' are only going to lick the platter clean if it's a portion-controlled serving of soy-based protein and macrobiotic rice the couple can share. I don't mean to make sport of such people. I'm related to some of them and such dietary restrictions are obviously no fun at all. But I wonder if these diagnoses are occasionally more the result of loosely interpreted tests and psychosomatic illness than actual issues with specific foods, and I especially wonder this when forced to eat gluten-free birthday cakes at family functions.

Recently, when attempting what is now the Herculean task of ordering just a regular coffee at a hipster cafe, I stood patiently in line while the customer in front of me asked the weary barista to recite what types of "alternative milks" the cafe offered. These included almond, oat, cashew and the ubiquitous soy. Decisions, decisions.  Almond has a weird aftertaste, oat has an unpleasant mouthfeel, cashew is too buttery, and soy is passé. Eventually, the customer decided against coffee altogether and purchased a raspberry flavored soda water instead. As far as a sensitive stomach is concerned, I suppose dairy discretion is the better part of caffeine valor. After all, no gastroenterologist wants their patient abusing antacids for the sake of a mid-afternoon energy boost. When my own chance to order arrived, I briefly considered jokingly demanding a list of the various percentages of fat in the milks available: fat-free, one-percent, two-percent, whole-fat, half and half, and so on. However, a rather disturbed look in the barista's eyes persuaded me against any form of levity.

After requesting a regular, whatever that might turn out to be in modern cafe speak, I returned to my office carrying a coffee topped with milk of unknown fat content. I wasn't going to ask and the barista certainly wasn't going to tell me. I have no problems with lactose as far as I know, but the thought of nut-based creamers does make me vaguely nauseous. Fortunately, none of my colleagues had asked me to fetch a specific fat content or alternative milk laced coffee for them, so at least I would not be responsible for anyone else's dairy induced aggravated bowel condition.Nevertheless, seated at my desk, cautiously enjoying my beverage, I quickly updated the Jack Sprat rhyme thus: 'Jack Sprat passed excessive gas, his wife was constipated, and together both they looked up the symptoms of peptic ulcer.' Surely we will be hearing that echoing around the school playgrounds of America before too long. 

Smoke Blackened Ikon

Last night, the Greek Orthodox church around the corner caught fire. Two alarms and many sirens. Perhaps a forgotten stick of still burning incense escaped from its censer, fell into the anointing oil which got knocked over and ignited the recently dry cleaned liturgical vestments. Or maybe, more dramatically, a lit candelabra crashed to the floor when nobody was watching. Either way, God seems to enjoy a good conflagration in His house from time to time: a celestial warning, one thinks, that the Patriarch probably shouldn't smoke roll-your-own non-filters with a bushy beard like his, unless of course he employs one of those long, antique cigarette holders like a Byzantine Noel Coward. 

Personally, I've always been afraid of fire. The thought of waking up amid a midnight inferno and running into the street in my dressing gown is the nightmare I have when I'm sleeping. Had I been the stone age man responsible for technological advances the human race would've sat in our caves in the dark for the duration. There would've been none of that dangerous rubbing two sticks together on my watch.To be honest, even the sudden blue heat of a lit gas ring makes me think twice about cooking dinner. I am quite happy with a green salad and cold cuts. I don't know whether they have an icon of Saint Florian, patron saint of firefighters, in my local smoky Greek church, but if they do I'll gladly wipe the ash away from his picture if he continues to keep me safe from the flames.

Month To Month

September, first of the reshuffled and misnumbered months of Autumn and Winter. Surely it would have made more sense to rename these divisions of the calendar after the emperors who succeeded Julius and Augustus? Then kids would return to school in Tiberiust and 'Trick or Treat' their neighbors at the end of Caliguly. Thanksgiving would fall on the 25th of Claudich and Christmas be celebrated in the festive season of Neroary. Those sound like much more fun dates than the dreary and inaccurate Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec sequence we are stuck with for the rest of eternity. Imagine if New Year's Day was the 1st of Unober and St. Valentine's Day was Dueary the 14th. All the romance would evaporate from our almanacs and diaries.

Not that I hold any particular torch for the long dead despots and fallen idols of ancient empires. The world can rename all the months after more modern deities for all I care. I'm quite happy to take my summer vacation in the sweltering heat of late Obamaber and go skiing in early Pricessdianary before the snow melts. Just don't rename my birth month after any popular entertainers, that's all I ask. Imagine having to say something like "I'm turning sixty-five in mid-Beyonce, so nearly eligible for retirement," or "I was born on Elvis the 23rd which puts me on the cusp of being a Virgo." But I have a terrible feeling that is exactly what might happen. You can never trust the shapers of the zeitgeist, especially these days, so perhaps it's just best to leave the calendar as it is, even if it doesn't make numerical sense.

Citrus And Its Discontents

The vapid exhortation "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" has seldom provided me with either comfort or solace. I can't stand the taste of the disgusting cloudy, over-sugared, off-white beverage. I would much prefer, in my time of trouble, to keep the lemons as lemons. After all, a large lemon makes an nice, weighty, hand-grenade sized object to throw at someone's head. I suppose you could fill a water pistol with lemonade, but squirting juice at people is not nearly as satisfying as hitting them full in the face with a whole fruit. 

So far, I've been lucky. Life has mostly given me a basket of pomegranates, many apples, several tangerines, and the odd guava or two. Much tropical punch has been made, obviously, which, although a trifle sweet, has sustained me admirably throughout the years. And so as I grow older, I find myself researching various recipes for sangria. I'm just waiting for life to give me the many crates of wine I require and surely deserve. 

Meanwhile, yesterday, as I crawled to work in skull melting conditions of excessive heat and humidity, I came across this unedifying spectacle in the street. A case of "When life gives you lemons, squeeze them into the sewer and discard the crushed husks beside the curb." At least the local rats might cure themselves of scurvy, I suppose, should they drink from the limoncello flavored effluent currently irrigating their rodent habitat.  

Suitable For Framing

Below is a portrait of my dog by Frans Hals .... actually, it's a just a random photograph I took then treated with a "paintify" app from the Internet but I think it would fool most curators (the world's most gullible people if the current state of blockbuster exhibitions is anything to go by). Perhaps the subdued color palette might also remind me a little of Andrew Wyeth, although his work is generally much browner than mine. Whatever, I'm quite prepared to invest in a high-quality printer and fancy textured paper and an ornate golden frame. It is time to remove those museum souvenir reproductions from our walls and decorate instead with my own computer art. A rogue's gallery of iPhone snaps transformed into ersatz oil and canvas.

Portrait Of A Mini-Schnauzer, 2021: colored ink on expensive paper (gift of the artist to himself)

When Whippoorwill's Call

Maybe in late-August, when both fortune and a Cape Cod sun smile down upon your head, you might finally experience the perfect Edward Hopper summer's day. The weather is warm but not too stultifying; shadows are cool and long and strung out across the lawn like Apollo's freshly laundered linen; and there's a hint of rolling thunder in the skies above the next town over. But best and most Hopperish of all, the streets and fields are devoid of other people as far as the eye can see. Not everybody's cup of iced tea, for sure, but my drink of choice when a week of relaxation is required.

Alas, such dog-day bliss is mostly the stuff of oil and canvas and artistic license. Hopper was a poor hand at painting summer's crowds of radio-toting tourists; its excessive humidity and millions of mosquitos; its perspiring armpits and sunburned nose; its grown men in flip flops and childish men on jet skis; and all the other irritating detritus of vacation season's turbulent jamboree. Sometimes I reimagine his Rooms By The Sea as a modern motel room, where the clean white walls are invaded by cheap nautical knick-knacks and an overweight family in neon-colored cargo shorts bundle their way into the sunlit space. Meanwhile, pleasure cruisers and inflatable rafts clog the ocean outside as a paragliding Icarus crashes into the waves. 

If I were a rich man, as the song goes, I would buy myself an island and a sail boat to enjoy a little peace and quiet. For now, however, I must be content with an over-priced Airbnb named My Blue Heaven which also charges a preemptive and rather insulting "cleaning fee." But the house is off the main drag, near the beach and behind a secluded bluff, offering partial water views from an upstairs window if you can crane your neck far enough. I tripped over a decorative lobster trap, Monsieur Hulot-like, while trying to open the patio doors, but I can overlook such boobytraps when they apparently provide my family with endless amusement. After all, these are the things a lifetime of holiday memories are made of.

Gander Dander

There can be few creatures more irritable than geese. They seem perpetually outraged by something. Perhaps it's their constant need to defecate, a relatable discomfort for many consumers of a typical American diet. Or possibly the misuse of their feathers for the stuffing of over-priced "puffa" jackets, also an understandable complaint considering the bloated ugliness of such winter coats. Or maybe it's just because a mid-range vodka has expropriated their name, which is a minor indignity arousing zero empathy in most of us. A low-end, flavored schnapps, for example, would surely provoke greater distress in any human or fowl. At any rate, the sheer volume of shrill bellyaching produced by a gaggle of geese is not dissimilar to that of a mob of wailing brats marching across the park demanding an immediate change of diapers.

Yet geese have their moments of peace and tranquility, too, especially when impersonating swans on a lake or river. When a goose takes to water it's suddenly transformed into a model of meditative elegance, as if instantly exorcised of its demons by some sort of self administered baptism, clearly believing itself to be the social equal of those snooty cygnets. But, of course, pretty soon the goose desperately needs to crap again and the spell is broken. There is much unseemly splashing and screeching as the goose clumsily waddles back to shore to evacuate its over-active and embarrassing bowels. Such were my observations at the local wildlife reservation for what they're worth. I'm no James Audubon, I admit, but I thought I'd record them anyway and photograph the main culprit. 

The Half-Dressed Lunch

Exotic and unusual spices always add an element of Michelin-starred derring-do to every meal. They are super fuel for that long journey from frowning at an ambitious recipe to elegantly plated haute cuisine. With luck, it's a journey that won't make pit-stops at Botulism and E-Coli, because exotic and unusual spices can cast a discreet veil over questionable meat. Trust me, I have sprinkled those spices liberally over what I believed to be farm-fresh poultry, oven-roasted my creation, devoured its wings and thighs, done the dishes, then sat on the toilet for what seemed like an eternity.  

I always wanted to be a broth-sniffing, onion-juggling, talented amateur chef who can chop multiple vegetables in the blink of an eye while expertly reducing several sauces on his stove top; and sometimes, when splashing a cup of red wine into my sizzling pans, I pretend that I am such a superior being. But the truth is, culinary destiny has not been kind to me. I'm much better off just reading  directions off the back of the box and so are my fellow diners. In fact, my cooking style is more freezer-to-microwave than artisanal butcher to cast-iron skillet; more Uber Eats to table than farm-to-table. There is no teacher like volcanic diarrhea and self-prepared spicy food has been my Krakatoa. 

Yes, the egg-timer of life has run out on my kitchen dreams. It has become winter in the land of seasonings; my gravy has turned to thick mud all the au jus is iced over. The bloom is definitely off the rosemary, so to speak. Yet sometimes in the quiet of the evening, when I'm defrosting packaged lasagna, I can still sense the disapproving shade of Julia Child hovering over my shoulder. And, to paraphrase Hans Johst, that's when I reach for my salt and pepper.

Foot Fetish

Learning how to tie your own shoelaces is a youthful rite of passage; as is getting those shoes stolen by the local bully, who also knows how to tie laces, but misuses his knowledge to knot other people's shoes together and hook them over an unreachable telegraph wire, where they hang like a pair of mournful bats. Jason Munger, a contemporary of mine, thought he could out-wit our bully by wearing only slip-on loafers. Alas, this ruse did not deter the bully who, unable to knot them together, simply filled their insides with stones and tossed them in a nearby pond.

These events took place at a pre-teen age when my parents still picked-out my shoes for me, usually round-toed and turd brown in color. Plain boring shoes that unctuous salesmen described as "sensible." I begged and pleaded for those trendy black models that all the cool kids wore but to no avail. In fact, my mother often reminded me I was lucky to have any shoes at all. Back in her day, apparently, children shuffled to school and back again in bare feet across sharp rocks and burning hot gravel. And observe the Kenyan marathon runner, my father might add, does he complain about running twenty-six miles without the benefit of expensive sneakers? He does not and wins his race anyway. 

The purchase of so-called sensible shoes, however, was anything but a sensible process. Correct shoe size was determined by enclosing the foot in a slide-rule contraption. It looked like a mini, medieval iron-maiden that exclusively tortured below the ankle. Once your toes were crushed and your heel severely bruised, the gloomy salesman mumbled some alpha-numeric gibberish and trudged to the backroom to find the desired shoe. Then he returned with bad news: The smart black shoes you wanted weren't in stock in your size but this ugly Frankenstein pair in turd brown that would fit correctly were available. They are fine, my parents would say, we'll take those.

Walking around with my feet stuck in what appeared to be two shapeless loaves of whole wheat bread was no fun. Even the local bully sympathized and took no action against me. Consequently I was forced to surreptitiously throw my own shoes over the telegraph wire. How else was I going to get rid of them with a readymade excuse? But I failed in this attempt at auto-persecution five or six times before finally admitting defeat. Being a bully is harder than it looks, I thought, and must require hours of practice; also consoling myself that at least I needn't walk home in my long-suffering socks, which at that point were in a condition of decrepitude only slightly less embarrassing than my hideously unfashionable footwear. 

The other drawback with sensible shoes, besides their gross unsightliness, is undesirable longevity. A good pair of sensible shoes are built to last and will serve their unfortunate owner for many years, which meant I was stuck with the whole wheat horrors until my feet grew another size. First world problems, you say. Nevertheless, I would have gladly paraded around town with a flapping sole or worn-down heel if the uppers of my shoes were shiny black with attractive stitching, and would've felt like the cock of the walk while doing so.

Of course, learning that appearances can be deceptive, that there is equal value in the plain as in the glamorous, is another youthful rite of passage. But realizing later that nobody in their right mind actually believes sanctimonious nonsense about beauty being only skin deep is yet another. People may claim that looks don't count but they are surely lying.  At a recent wedding, I openly mocked a fellow guest for the faux pas of wearing tan moccasins with a dark blue suit. It was without doubt a harsh verdict on a trivial sartorial misdemeanor, yet it was also unequivocally correct. I guess the shoe bully is still with us, and he has become me.

Wish You Were Elsewhere

The set design, perhaps, for a low-budget 1950s sci-fi film where Medusa goes sunbathing while Frankenstein's monster kicks sand in Swamp Thing's face? Or maybe the view down Godzilla's throat as he is sucking on a lemon-flavored cough drop?

No, it's actually a gloomy painting by Edvard Munch called 'Summer Evening by the Beach.' Of course, this being Munch, you suspect his screaming self-portrait will soon surface from the murky depths, neither waving nor drowning, but suffering some other sort of existential aquatic crisis; perhaps a jellyfish sting, or stubbing his toe on a submerged pebble, or even the accidental gulping of briny water.

Judging by the mounds of slimy seaweed washed up on Munch's excessively rocky "beach," however, I would suggest a serpentine tendril of current-born seaweed coiling itself around his leg is a more likely cause for screaming. After all, experiencing such an unexpected and unpleasant sensation is usually the reason for my anxiety when taking a dip; that and the freezing temperature of the Atlantic ocean in New England, which could also be another factor in Munch's case, I suppose, assuming he's depicting a very Northern shoreline.

But who gives a empty oyster shell about Edvard Munch's ancient insecurities when my very own post-Coronavirus summer has arrived? Won't the beach seem more technicolor tropical paradise and less gloomy post-nuclear wasteland now? Well, I guess it will be if I can see past the rowdy mob of zombie vacationers unleashed by the cessation of Covid lockdowns. Here comes the invasion of transistor radios blaring cacophonous tunes, Olympic-size bivouacs, mishit volleyballs, rampaging jet skis, windswept umbrellas, and the rest of modern beachgoer's irrepressible equipment. Now that's truly enough to make anyone scream.

Cryptozoology From A Car Window

At the exit ramp, a Highway Yeti in city hall overalls is painting orange arrows on the asphalt, chevroned epaulettes on the hard shoulder, directions from the middle of the road to the curve of the curbstones where nestles a grass verge in rush-hour obscurity. Here is an exhaust fume clouded wilderness where the windswept detritus of transient life finally runs out of gas; a graveyard of blown-out tires and rusting hubcaps scattered across a landscape of broken glass. A single luminous traffic bollard stands sentry over a jagged pot hole. Nearby, an abandoned bottle of brake fluid is rocked back and forth by the jet stream blasts from passing cars, which also briefly inflates a fast food wrapper that takes flight then falls quickly back to earth again. This is the domain of the mythical Highway Yeti, the Interstate Sasquatch, the Turnpike Bigfoot, or the Abominable Automobileman, call the creature what you will.

I've taken several pictures of this cryptozoological figure, photographic evidence that shows a large, unidentified biped loping across the median disguised in a DayGlo high-visibility vest and hard hat, sometimes smuggling a coil of fiber-optic cable back to his lair, sometimes not. Of course, skeptics will claim such sightings are just the fevered imaginings of a weary commuter caught in interminable gridlock. They will dismiss my photographs, admittedly blurry and out-of-focus, as merely depicting some regular humanoid from the city public works going about his business, and definitely not digital proof of an ape-like monster of the road hitherto a stranger to scientific classification. But if that's the case, how do they explain away the fact that none of these so-called "public works" ever seem to get done? After all, that pothole isn't going to fill itself unless a Highway Yeti falls into it unawares.

A Change Of Scenery

I was gazing out of the window when the window briefly blinked. I think, maybe, it has grown tired of the view. 

And who can blame the poor window? Nothing to look at all day except a narrow city street with those anonymous neighbors across the way. Even the old elm tree standing on the sidewalk was decapitated and carted off last year. Only a shadeless stump remains.

Perhaps I should switch the glass panes around from front of house to back and vice versa. New vistas for all my windows. Then the blinking pane could spend a decade or two observing the rear alleyway instead of that all too familiar street it apparently finds so dull.

Although, I must admit, not much happens in the alleyway. Just me taking out the garbage and recycling every Wednesday morning and the odd rat scampering from nook to cranny after dark. In fact, the window overlooking the alley is probably more bored out of its mind than the window facing the street. I guess the grass is always greener, eh? Or, in this case, the asphalt always grayer.

I wonder how much it would cost to have the whole house uprooted from its foundations and transported to a sunny spot beside the beach. Of course, the alleyway window would get the ocean view and the front window stuck with the dune flanked shore road. Still, it's a nice change of scenery for all concerned.

Huh, did the window just blink again? Or was that possibly a twinkle?

The Attire of Attrition

I'm no clothes horse, more of a clothes donkey to be honest, but I do try to take pride in my personal appearance. Alas, I'm usually dissatisfied whenever I study my reflection in a full-length mirror. I wanted to look debonair but this would-be Beau Brummell turns out to be Bow-legged. In fact, what I thought was a sleek and smart parade of fashionable masculinity is actually just an unappealing heap of disheveled deadbeat. 

The proportions are all wrong somehow. Time to summon my inner quick-change artist. I slip on a different shirt, swap out that sweater, kick off those stripy socks, pull on other pants, thread another belt around my waist and do my best to hide everything beneath a dark blue blazer. The mirror still denounces me as the absolute opposite of the fairest of them all. So what if I roll these sleeves up and tuck the shirt tails in tighter, unbutton a second or third button, taper those trousers, shorten the hem on everything and switch the pattern from polka dots to plaid or perhaps just plain?

But nothing I do streamlines my silhouette to an acceptable degree. I don't know. They are all conventional store-bought clothes in my correct size so why do I seem to be wearing clown shoes, jodhpurs, and an off-the-shoulder blouse? That might be fine for the nine-to-five in an Oriental harem but I don't think it's appropriate as business casual in the city. Nevertheless, I have to leave now or else I'll be late for work.

Of course, I'd easily still win the Best Dressed Award at my office, despite looking like Sinbad the Sailor after six years lost at sea. After all, most of my colleagues resemble vagrants who've just crawled out of a bed of nails and through a charitable clothing distribution center before arriving at their desks. Such are the disgraceful sartorial standards of the modern workplace that even a slipshod chap like me can be Cary Grant compared to his slovenly associates.

Personal Myth

Stories from the ancient myths can sometimes offer interesting and instructive reflections of our modern lives. Of course, we never actually struggle though the labors of Hercules or welcome literal Trojan Horses into our homes but I for one do remember Mrs Hargreaves, a high school teacher, who with the simple addition of a few snakes to the crown of her head would have made a passable Medusa.

Which makes me wonder, had I found myself on the wrong side of Mrs Hargreaves, what kind of stone I might have been turned into. Tough and craggy granite? An elegant marble? Perhaps a sun-kissed sandstone? Alas, I probably would just be a pillar of plain crumbly chalk. The sedimentary equivalent of your average, awkward neighborhood white kid.

Although Mrs Hargreaves' head was not adorned with snarling and spitting snakes (at least none visible to the naked eye), I nevertheless always took the precaution of never looking directly at her. This wasn't easy because Mrs Hargreaves was the sort of teacher who enjoyed frequent and usually confrontational consultations with her students, especially me.

'What are you looking at, boy?' She would scream into my face during a heavyweight title examination of my poor grammar and spelling. Obviously I couldn't reply 'Not you Gorgon that's for sure,' so I would be forced to admit to some random object of my attention. 'The blackboard' was a common response; 'The world map on the wall' was another; and once, when I was very desperate, 'Samantha Noble's hair.'

If Mrs Hargreaves played the role of Medusa in my personal myth, and I clearly Perseus, then Samantha Noble had a good claim to be a teenage Andromeda (although it only required escorting her to the cinema a few times, not fighting and killing a ravenous sea monster, to make her mine). Unfortunately she later turned out to be more of a Nemesis than an Andromeda, they always do, but that's another story. 

The Changing Light At Burnt Norton

Here is an idea for a contemporary hit TV show: Father Marple, a religio-transvestite stigmatic spinster who solves crime conundrums while dressed as a priest. Nicknamed "Her Holiness" by the bumbling local police inspector, Father Marple flounces around the pretty yet blood-soaked village of Chesterton wearing a pink cassock and high heels, dispensing justice and absolution and selling the occasional indulgence to the gullible. Episode One could be called The Razor-Sharp Rosary.

Meanwhile, there is a fancy cheese shop not far from my house, staffed by snooty gourmands in white smocks and Dutch-boy caps. Here they will correct your pronunciation of 'gouda' ("howda" more or less) then wince if you can't tell the difference between mozzarella and burrata; and you stand in line behind Bleuchâtel bewitched customers with their noses pressed their against the glass presentation case like suction cups, waiting patiently for the cheesemonger to coax them into making a decision. Personally I just want whatever goes well with the red wine that was on sale at the liquor store. The cheesemonger usually suggests manchego or the aforementioned gouda, which I could pick for myself, so I don't know why I always ask his opinion. It's possible that, despite his condescending air of superior connoisseurship, he doesn't actually know much more than me.

And so I sit at my desk with discount red wine and the same old cheese, inventing Father Marple and the case of the Razor Sharp Rosary. A poet, noted for writing very long poems, has been found brutally murdered in a country house, garroted by a length of rosary with beads sharpened to a fine point. The only witnesses are two fellow poets, TS Eliot and Robert Merrill, but the bumbling local police inspector can't understand a word they are saying because he is unfamiliar with their many classical allusions. Only Father Marple has the wit to find the culprit before they strike again. But forensics have just discovered that the murder weapon belongs to Father Brown herself. Just who is trying to frame the religio-transvestite stigmatic spinster? 

Hello Again

Of course, we shall all miss the instant Covid excuse: "I'm sorry I don't feel comfortable going there and doing that during a Pandemic." The vaccinated world of tomorrow will provide no medical alibi for not working at the office; offer no virologist approved justifications for shirking our responsibilities. And nobody will applaud our song and dance routines about staying home for two weeks because we might have been exposed to a sneezing neighbor. Obligations will once more need to be met without delay; onerous chores completed on the dot, boring social events attended without demur. Our precious time will not be our own again.

Heavy traffic has already appeared on the horizon with its gridlock and tailbacks only a few thousand vaccinations away from stalling progress from hither to yonder. A few months ago I was able to cross the street at whim, wherever I liked, but lately I've been forced to look both ways for speeding vehicles of all types, deciding that waiting for the 'Walk' signal is the safest option as it was in days before Coronavirus emptied the roads of impatient commuters. We are all slowly waking up to the return of normal life like some big Monday morning of the soul.

The Trip Of A Lifetime

The most disappointing experience of my life occurred aboard an expensive Glass Bottomed Boat Tour in the Florida Keys. We had drifted over the coral reefs expecting to discover Neptune's kingdom in all its bountiful glory, only to be confronted by clouds of dredged silt, wavy grey weeds, a few transparent jellyfish, lazy fat types of tuna, and some not especially red snappers. I'd witnessed more vibrant underwater worlds when paddling in an estuary or even leaning over a bridge staring into a shallow stream.

But of course most tourist traps are unrewarding - at best - if you harbor high expectations. Usually they also enjoy adding insult to injury, and on this occasion not only did I disembark from the Glass Bottom Boat feeling short-changed in terms of both money and valuable vacation time, I also lost my favorite sunglasses and deep-fried most of my exposed limbs and nose. "Such, such were the joys."

Anyway, I was recently reminded of that terrible excursion when invited to book an appointment to be injected with Coronavirus vaccine: a glass bottomed vial offering the promise of touring daily life as it used to be. See the crowded streets from the safety of USS Astra-Zeneca's observation deck: the bright colors of the restaurants and bars, the busy hum of downtown office buildings and rattling subway trains, the sports stadiums, concert halls, gleaming department stores, fascinating museums and public galleries.

Ah yes, the anticipation of rediscovering the city in all its bountiful glory, only to be confronted by the billowing exhaust fumes of gridlocked traffic, angry commuters pushing and shoving each other, fast food containers littering the sidewalk, long lines of impatient people trying to enter over-subscribed events, and no vacant benches in the park. Can refunds be expected when the promise is not kept and the old ennui returns to the new normal?

I Was Miles Away

When your mind is elsewhere, your brain sits up all night like an anxious parent waiting for its wayward teenager to return. Where has that mind been? Who has it been seeing? I told it to be home by midnight. Did it get into trouble?

Perhaps some sort of mother/father left-brain/right-brain equation could be made, but studying bicameral consciousness at college was when my own mind began to wander, usually backwards in time. 

What, for instance, it might idly speculate, would the ancient Romans make of boring old Professor Watkins? Crucifixion by Caligula, probably, or banishment to the furthest borders of the Empire under Hadrian. And I certainly wouldn't buy Watkins as a slave if Seneca put him up for sale in the Forum. His teaching assistant, Debbie, however, I'd put in few high bids for her. So that was how my young mind got into trouble when it was elsewhere. 

Nowadays, my mind slips out the backdoor of my brain whenever I'm forced to listen to clients whine about the cost of work my company has done for them. And it travels not to the distant past but to the future, when I have retired and no longer need to care about such aggravating nonsense.

Unfortunately, that Stardate is so far in the future I imagine robot lecturers will be teaching Introduction To Psychology at the University of the Moon by then.

Spring Cleaning 2021

Amid the melting snows, optimistic blooms, imaginary cuckoos, and hardy young men in cargo shorts, early Spring brings cardboard boxes scattered on the sidewalk. "Free" is written on the sides of these oblong obstacles that contain the unwanted detritus of apartment living: Coffee mugs, mismatched plates, ancient videotapes and DVDs, Mexican souvenirs, a tennis racquet, unopened bottles of cheap perfume, some jigsaw puzzles, and assorted rusty tools. Bric-a-brac from a disposable age that people no longer require or have replaced but feel should not simply be tossed in their trash. Surely some needy passerby will want and claim a tangled collection of TV and computer cables?

There are many books, too. In fact, quite frequently such curbside giveaways are exclusively comprised of books. Nothing I would want to read, really, although I once saw a pile of published screenplays by Pier Paolo Pasolini with Fellini's Satyricon wedged in between them. And this morning there was a free library of books by Susan Sontag and several other writers we used to call "public intellectuals." This unexpected trove of essays and polemics reminded me that, pre-Internet, regular people like my neighbors engaged with unusual ideas, however controversial or unpleasant the ideas might be, rather than just devouring two-line memes and three word soundbites. I was reminded, also, of a college-educated intern we employed a few years ago who'd never heard of George Orwell or Albert Camus.

The world moves on, I guess. Things I treasured and considered important in my twenties are relegated to America's junk drawer these days. There is no Pasolini night at the local cinema anymore. The young man dressed in black reading The Stranger at a sidewalk cafe has been superseded by the brown giveaway cardboard box on the sidewalk, with a copy of The Stranger at the bottom, slightly obscured by Billie Holiday and Stan Getz CDs in cracked cases and years out-of-date street guides to Prague and Vienna. Perhaps I should get in the box myself, sit down to wait and see if somebody stops to peruse what's left of me. I'm not completely useless yet. I might even work with that other thing you have but don't know what to do with.

Looking Ahead

After nearly a year languishing in the Covidian dungeons of Fortress Massachusetts, I can finally confirm that travel does indeed broaden the mind. I know this because my mind, held captive by pandemic gaolers for so long, has certainly narrowed, as if its frontal lobes have been traveling through an interminably long tunnel; or perhaps staring into the wrong end of binoculars all this time; or just gazing endlessly at the faded, static crystals of a jammed kaleidoscope.

The dark days of winter haven't helped, either. A thick frost has frozen the once fertile fields of imagination. Brain cells seem icebound, neural pathways are blocked by snow drifts, and all synapses went into hibernation many months ago. Only an especially vivid and energetic Rite of Spring can save us now.

At least my credit card has accumulated many air miles. All those take-out dinners I ordered from down-on-their-luck restaurants have come good in that regard. I could probably fly halfway around the world on the points I've been awarded for supporting local eateries in their hours of need. So surely the Biden administration could furnish me with more stimulus money with which to spread international goodwill by traveling abroad to comfort famous chefs in foreign countries? After all, I feel someone ought to be checking on the Italian trattorias and French bistros at this time.

Going Going Gone

There is no form of existential dread quite as exquisitely dreadful as the existential dread of winning an eBay auction you do not want to win.

Except, perhaps, for the existential dread of thinking you've possibly written about the existential dread of unwanted eBay victories before, although a keyword search of previous blog posts produces no results for 'eBay.'

But what if my search engine is not the best? What if it is merely a spluttering and explosive single-cylinder search engine, suitable for powering only the most rudimentary of search charabancs, unable even to crank itself forward beyond the first two letters of any keyword entered?

That is the sort of existential dread that keeps you up a night, tossing and turning in an alphabetical meteorite shower of fiery vowels and consonants hurtling at great velocity across the inchoate space-time continuum of your anxious mind. 

My God, there is certainly a lot of existential dread about these days. I guess that will teach me to be the winning bid on a Being and Nothingness first edition that I have no interest in actually reading. I can only forlornly hope my bid does not meet the auctioneer's reserve. But I'm pretty sure it does.

And now I have the existential dread of using the ersatz poetical word "forlornly." Will it ever end? Will I ever be set free?

You Won't Feel A Thing

I always thought the End Times would feature more fire and brimstone than is proving to be the case. It seems the Dystopian Future is nothing but a drab conference room full of confused looking middle-managers and bureaucrats shrugging their shoulders. Rather more apologetic than apocalyptic, if you ask me. Behold the new Four Horsemen cantering around in circles astride broomsticks while making neighing sounds: Paranoia, Incompetence, Greed, and Apathy.

Of course, these are not really the End Times, merely another False Start of the Beginning of the End Times. Once more we have moved recklessly Knight-like across the chessboard of civilization from a square of relative safety to possibly checkmating ourselves. However, we've been cornered in this nose-pickingly difficult position before. Quite often as a matter of fact. Usually a pawn is sacrificed and our King remains reasonably secure. Alas, the pawn relinquished during this pandemic might be the freedom of the average person to move around the world at whim. 

I suppose activists of a certain stripe won't care too much about a general loss of global mobility. The less carbon footprints traipsing through the sky the better, as far as they're concerned. But it so happens that I enjoy my brief interlude in foreign climes each Spring or Fall. So if there's one single reason why I'll be joining the long lines of patients waiting for a vaccine, it will be to obtain a vaccine passport should such a document be required of tomorrow's tourists. I hope to collect many stamps on mine.

Keep It Stupid, Simpleton

Nobody should be surprised that the Internet developed into nothing but a frenzied whirligig of garbage and nonsense. This is exactly what happened with books and broadcasting, after all. From the Gutenberg Bible to pulp fiction and self help paperbacks; from National Educational Television to, well, tune into any station and see for yourself. Alas, human influence throughout the ages has been a sort of reverse Midas touch that turns everything into disposable plastic. The phrase "dumbing down" is rather inadequate; it's more a sort of violent cultural lobotomy. Civilization is now a selfie of tattooed Vitruvian Man with an enormous beer belly and Alfred E Neuman's face. 

And it keeps on getting worse. Back in the day, I remember thinking the music of Madonna sounded like a constipated banshee wailing over a recording of a sledgehammer demolishing an orchestra. But compared to the unlistenable cacophony that comprises the current Billboard charts her old hits could be American songbook standards. In twenty years, I imagine they will seem like Verdi opera, for God only knows what kinds of soul crushing staccato anthems will be popular in 2040. The history of Western music has indeed proved to be a Ballroom Blitz, from elegant two-step to desultory toe tap to mindlessly jumping up and down on the spot. In the future, instead of dancing, we will no doubt be reduced to quivering catatonia beneath the glitter ball, banging our heads against the nearest wall in response to whatever earthquake rhythms are rupturing the disco floor. 

Of course, the entire world will be virtual by then anyway, so what does it matter? For it is not only civilization that is superannuated but our physical reality is apparently well past its sell-by-date also. Perhaps I shall upload my consciousness into a networked air-conditioner that overrides its controls and blasts out super hot air in tune to Abduction From The Seraglio. That shall be my revenge on the modern philistines. Because we all need something to look forward to, at least according to the neophiliacs of the Internet.

Grapheme Dream

Imagine that all the letters you are currently reading begin to vibrate and twist like the stalks of plants in a time-lapse movie. The sans-serif consonants elongate and curlicue, all the vowels thicken into italic bold, and the dots of i's and j's explode into star-shaped inkblots as uppercase and lowercase words entwine into an impenetrable thicket of overgrown alphabet. Somewhere therein is concealed the Sleeping Beauty of meaning but who can spare the hour or two required to cut through such dense gibberish?

Fortunately, there is no evil cameraman employing special effects wizardry to deform my letters and make my sentences incomprehensible, although I woke up sweating that he was focusing over my shoulder as I typed. So even if my writing might still be described as dense gibberish, at least the words it contains remain inanimate and committed to the page. And, to be perfectly frank, I've never tried to kiss and wake the Sleeping Beauty of meaning anyway. It's not that I'm bashful it's just that I don't find her particularly attractive. 

Delayed Completion of Appointed Rounds

The 5th of January and Twelfth Night: a traditional feast of "cakes and ale" followed by the ritual dismantling and accidental demolition of your domestic Christmas decorations. That vaguely Sputnik-shaped 1950s ornament passed down from Grandma falls to the floor when being removed from the tree and is instantly crushed to smithereens by a clumsy foot. The inflatable front-yard Santa is carefully deflated but subsequently punctured during an unskilled folding and storage operation. Joining in the so-called fun, the over-excited dog foolishly swallows six-feet of silvery tinsel. A string of multicolored twinkle lights becomes a treacherous bird's nest of flashing bulbs over which the man of the house manages to trip, landing awkwardly on his left knee and right wrist which necessitates a lengthy period of recovery on the couch. And finally, the death rattle of the vacuum cleaner is heard as it fatally chokes on a forest's worth of fallen pine needles coating the carpet. Thus the spirit of the holiday season departs every house.

Of course, this year the holidays are extended by several weeks, courtesy of the United States Postal Service. The logistical problems experienced by this mail delivery service mean many Christmas cards and gifts posted in late December have not even arrived by now, the twelfth day of Christmas. Consequently, any Partridge mailed on the first day of Christmas would probably have suffocated to death in its packaging by now; its Pear Tree undoubtedly snapped in half by overworked mailmen cramming the delicate branches into a mail truck. Even the Ten Leaping Lords would suffer from the delayed exhibition of their united aerial gymnastics, exhausted by a lengthier than usual period of non-stop leaping thanks to the dysfunctional Post Office. So if you did not receive a personal greeting from me, now you know why and who to blame.

Yule 2020

Merry Super-Spreader Event and a Happy New Covid Mutation to all who occasionally kill time by reading this blog. May the kaleidoscope of life rearrange itself into brighter and more attractive patterns in the coming year; and may your new normal be everything you've always wished normal would be. I know that's a lot to hope for considering the world's current mob of dysfunctional, delusional and dishonest leaders make King Herod look like Jesus' fairy godmother, but you have to remain optimistic.

Advent Bemusements

So many multicolored Christmas lights decorate the houses on my street that the night seems brighter than the day. Giant inflatable cartoon characters, also illuminated, have appeared in many neighborhood gardens, most only tenuously connected with the holidays. If you can pull a Santa hat over its head and hang an icicle from its nose then it's considered seasonal, I guess. But the overall effect is more Pink Floyd concert than any Winter Wonderland. There is no room for a one horse open sleigh here unless it is turbo-charged. The star of Bethlehem is outshone by a disco glitter ball rotating amid animated red and green lasers.

By comparison, the traditional Nativity scene erected outside the local church looks like a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. "Hello my name is Melchior and I'm a frankincense addict." The unlit wooden figures are in such poor shape it is hard to tell the poor shepherds from the Kings of Orient and the sheep from the camels. Behold one lowly cattle shed in desperate need of a Disney makeover. Even the Angel of the Lord seems itching to fly away as soon as possible. If there is a war on Christmas, then this church has shot itself in the foot.

Consumer Complaints

As if keeping up with the protean world of modern technology was not difficult enough, these days I even find myself bemused by the unrecognizably futuristic toothbrushes currently available at my local supermarket. What was once a basic plastic stick embellished with a small rectangle of perpendicular bristles now resembles a multicolored, six-sided, space-age battle-axe with a comfort-grip handle. The sort of vicious hand-held weapon Darth Vader might choose to clean his teeth with if they practice dental hygiene on the Death Star.

You can also buy an extra-powerful battery-operated "sonic" toothbrush if you so desire. The teeth cleaning equivalent of a domestic chainsaw or personal pneumatic drill. Apparently it is not enough to simply maintain minty fresh breath anymore, you must also annihilate your entire oral microbiome. All plaque residue must suffer the Death of a Thousand Bristles for at least two minutes, including in hard to reach areas. In the end I just left and went to the health food store nearby where I bought an old-style bamboo brush for four bucks.

You've Been Framed

What would the Framers of the Constitution think of the apparently unreconcilable polarities that typify contemporary American politics? No doubt they would wonder why Trump and Biden don't simply settle their differences by drawing pistols at dawn. After all, most quarrels can be swiftly resolved by a duel to the death with the weapon of your choice. Yet our infamously duplicitous modern politicians might find it difficult to find a willing second to accompany them into the field of confrontation. I mean, who in their right mind would honestly trust Trump or Biden to actually show up at the appointed hour?

And it is today's lack of honor among the so-called 'highest in the land' which would cause the Framers of the Constitution to consider reframing their work. America has regressed from Founding Fathers to Deadbeat Dads in a few short centuries. At this rate, pretty soon we'll degenerate into just Anonymous In-Vitro Fertilized Authority. I can easily imagine a future Oval Office dominated by Trump's brain attached to electrodes floating in a gilded tank of formaldehyde. Of course, the White House will operate from a Martian or Lunar base by then, issuing interstellar edicts to we malnourished Earthbound plebs in our crumbling shantytowns. 

Escape From Kvetch Cubicle

The labors of Hercules were a part-time job compared to the exhausting shift Edward Lollygag puts in each working day. The punishing, repetitive drudgery of Sisyphus nothing but a slight convenience compared to Edward's relentlessly backbreaking schedule. At least, that's how Edward tells it, albeit without classical reference and a pronounced emphasis on the physical ailments that are the result of his fastidious daily toil.

And does anybody thank Edward for his efforts? They do not. In fact, they barely notice his existence until it's time for them to bid him a good evening as they leave the office at five-thirty. Edward will still be tethered to his desk, of course, burning the midnight oil so slowly that he must be trying to set fire to it by rubbing two sticks together. God knows if we gave him a flame thrower and barrels of kerosene he'd still be there long after the office cleaners had left.

Why Edward cannot complete his duties during regular office hours I do not know. They are far from onerous, not complicated, and not really that important either. Perhaps if he spent more time with his nose to the grindstone rather than with his nose in the air complaining about the grindstone he might accomplish more? What if he used a drop of that midnight oil he claimed to burn to lubricate the squeaky wheel inside his own bellyaching? These were just two suggestions I made to Edward that imperiously ignored. After all, who was I to question the modus operandi of the Blessed Martyr?

But as we're all working from home now, email has become the only method by which Edward can communicate. There are no more weary ears at nearby cubicles to whom he can grumble about the imaginary demands of his mysteriously substantial workload. No canteen water cooler he can use as a pulpit to preach the gospel of his own 'work-life balance' self sacrifice. Surely he can just get down to business and complete his tasks before sundown? Yet somehow his emails always arrive when the rest of us are thinking about retiring for the night.

So I wonder how Edward still manages to procrastinate in a pandemic? Does he spends from nine to five whining to the four empty walls of his undoubtedly dim and depressing abode. Maybe he even takes a brief break for lunch, phantom workload allowing, when he whines to his featureless front yard. it's his neighbors I feel sorry for, as I can easily picture Edward shouting his "Woe is me" stories over the fence, yelling through their letterboxes, inviting himself over to deliver another moaning monologue. But better them than Edward's colleagues. Productivity is on the rise since we've escaped his clutches.

Game Over

Perhaps the world will end with neither a bang nor a whimper but a sigh of relief: Thank God that's all over. Only the fungi can be proud of their contribution to life on Earth. The rest of us should be ashamed.

Frankly, I doubt the people of the End Times will even know the consolation of living in proverbially double-edged "interesting times." In fact, so tedious will Doomsday brinkmanship be that even endless global conflict will be called The Lukewarm War. I imagine it will be fought by international robots while humans are busy binge watching so-called Reality TV, until they and their screens are finally vaporized by smart bombs dispatched from rent-by the-hour missile silos somewhere in Asia.

Such a bleak vision of the future. Alas, even the briefest perusal of current events makes it impossible to predict any other outcome. It's as if the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse had taken up equestrian show-jumping, enjoying a spot of fancy dressage before their last gallop across the world's paddock. Look closely and you can see Trump and Biden et al queuing up to feed apples to the ponies.

But if we're lucky, this will turn out to be just a computer simulation, a holographic game in which we only manage to achieve Level Two of Ten before losing the plot, and maybe our player-God can insert another quarter to start over again.

Vote Johnnie Walker (40% ABV)

Election Day 2020 and there were no long lines at my liquor cabinet. I arrived, poured myself a drink, then sat down at my bar and drank it. After draining the glass, I left, my rights to having a drink being fully exercised. One citizen, one drink. God bless America. The whole process was very easy and I encountered no problems at all. Or so I thought.

Apparently, there is to be a recount concerning claims I consumed more than my allotted two drinks. Despite the overwhelming evidence of only a single glass on my counter top, it seems Antifa activists shrieked that I secretly drank all the booze myself to prevent others from imbibing, while hard-right white supremacist factions denounced me as dark rum-loving progressive partial to mixed drinks and unAmerican tropical cocktails.

From the fringe came yet more accusations. The Greens said my drink of choice was not distilled from sustainable sources, and the Libertarians declared that I should have made a stand for freedom by drinking lighter fluid if I so wished.

None of that is true, of course. I just sat down alone with a small tumbler full of Fernet Branca. God knows I needed to wash the foul taste of twenty-first century Presidential politics out of my mouth.

The Collaborator

One of my earliest memories concerns a crude picture of a rainbow taped to the classroom wall on my first day of kindergarten. Rendered in broken crayon on cheap white paper, it was more of an elongated hump shape than an elegant arc. The spectrum of colors were probably incorrectly ordered, also, and there was no blue sky or green grass to add context. It was just a wonky rainbow suspended in blank space, signed Alice Stilton in a combination of upper and lower case letters.

But the picture's message was clear, nonetheless: "Fear not. School is not as bad as it seems. You Are Here at the start of the rainbow and there is an educational pot of gold at its end. Perhaps, in time, if you don't blot ink all over your books, daydream while staring out of the windows, or repeatedly kick the back of Peter Reynolds chair, you too might be rewarded with a picture of yours taped to the wall like Alice."

I wasn't fooled, of course. Partly because even at such an early age I had wisely developed a deep mistrust of institutions, but also because I happened to know Alice Stilton. She lived on my street. Hers was an ugly, vinyl-sided modern house, fronted by an incongruously Victorian solid oak door with a huge decorative brass knocker that I thought might turn into the face of Jacob Marley at any moment. 

Most adults in the neighborhood seemed to think of Alice as the proverbial girl-next-door. Sure, if the girl-next-door was a ponytailed Quisling who invariably denounced her playmates' wrongdoings to their parents. Had she lived in occupied France, I have no doubt Alice would have drawn rainbows for the Nazi officers. Alice Stilton was a collaborator with the enemy as far as I was concerned.

So it was no surprise to me when Alice was afflicted with a case of hair lice and the nurse threatened to shave her head. Poetic justice for a traitor to her own peer group, we all agreed. The phony rainbow had finally faded from Alice Stilton's sycophantic life and clouds were rolling in. A case of "Vita Longa, Ars Brevis" I think you'd have to conclude.

Send In The Clowns

If it is any kind of race at all, the "race for the White House" is a carnival sideshow pitting a senile slug against a psychotic slug, dragging their aging sacks of slime across a strategically salted course in the general direction of a disputed finish line. Other sideshow attractions include the Congressional flea circus and the fire-eating Supreme Court justices. There is Nancy the bearded lady and some sort of squid-faced pinhead freak called Mitch. Roll up, roll up.

These red, white, and blue spangled hucksters have pitched their greasy, stinking Big Top tent in town for far too long. Surely it's time for them to move on? Unfortunately the inbreds who live around here seem to enjoy betting on the slug race, watching the sleight-of-hand fleas jump around in the senate and the justices swallowing more balls of flame. Meanwhile, outside the Big Top tent, banished to the fringe, the Libertarians and Greens go around and around the Wall of Death, the ostracized looping circuit that for them has no beginning and no end. 

Fantasia On A Theme By L. P. Hartley

These days, I'm not so sure the past is a foreign country where people do things differently, but is really more of rogue nation under martial law. In short, if I had to pin the past down with a geographical simile, I'd say the past was rather like Turkmenistan.

And of course you are President for life in this Turkmen past. Revisionist memory erects colossal equestrian statues of yourself in the most de Chirico-esque squares of your mind. Interior monologues are restricted to only repeating the self-aggrandizing party line, and any dissenting synapse that dares questions your supreme authority is ominously "disappeared."  

Of course, establishing your sense of the past in Central Asia means it's always threatened by revolutionary insurgents, which is why you still feel anxious and exposed when remembering that thing that happened eight years ago. It's a stress point in your ego's Great Wall. Frankly, you'd be better off renouncing this dictatorial sovereignty over the past and relocating your new Anarcho-syndicalist awareness to Switzerland.

So henceforth the past will be like Switzerland; people don't dwell on it there. They are simply forever in the cuckoo clocked moment.

But what does all this say about the future? Well, the future is usually like an Orwellian dystopia where everything people do is supervised by Big Brother. Or perhaps the future will be like a spaceship traveling to an unknown galaxy where people can't actually do anything anyway because they are all sleeping in suspended animation for centuries. Or maybe there will be no future to speak of since humanity has been wiped out by Coronavirus? It's a tough call.

Personally, I think the future will be much like the present; people will do things much the same way only with different tools. At our current precarious point in time, I'm not sure whether such a passively apathetic vision of Things To Come is optimistic or pessimistic. But at least we'll have one. So there's that, I guess.

Invasive Species of the Political Season

No longer green, the local gardens have turned red, white and blue. Political placards now bend in the breeze where summer's flowers were: clumps of cardboard Trumps and fluttering Bidens all in a row. Why do people willingly plant such poisonous weeds in front of their houses? They only attract angry, militant locusts instead of thoughtful butterflies.

Meanwhile, angry neighborhood 'activists' both red and blue are grinding up their candidate's agenda into a potpourri of bullshit bullet-points; a stinking compost heap of half-truth and platitude arranged in a decorative presentation basket which they leave on my porch. But I'm not bringing such parasite-laden herbage into my home. Vote for him? No, but I will spray him with powerful pesticide.

Politics, of course, is a type of self-perpetuating fungus that feeds on infected human brains until it becomes a pulsating, walnut-sized ball of inflexible rage. And once politics has entirely consumed the host, its venomous slogan-spores are spat into the world. Stuck to the bumpers of collaborating cars, these slogan-spores scatter their dogmatic contagion around town, seeking to impregnate gullible brains with militant seeds to propagate even more of their kind.

I limit my own gardening to a simple evergreen border of bemused detachment. The only decoration is a modest pumpkin carved into the likeness of the sort of benevolent spirit I'd like to see become President. There's a lantern inside but the light just gets dimmer with every passing year. It's almost extinguished altogether.

Birds of North America

Mid-autumn, flocks of squawking ideas take flight against a darkening skull. The annual migration of neurons to the southern hemisphere of the cerebellum has begun. Alas, only half of them will complete the journey. Some will fall out of the ears when heads are shaken in disbelief; others are expelled through the nose when snorting with incredulity.

My own idle thoughts, however, are hardy fellows and hang around the whole winter through. They neither hibernate nor wither but go bob bob bobbin' along like a Robin Redbreast of the mind. What does that mean for this blog? It means there will always be a warm nest of insignificant nonsense to welcome the news-weary, even if from time tot time it's not inspired

Dark Greensleeves

As a child, I was not afraid of whatever eldritch phantasms might be hiding in the shadows beneath my moonlit bed. They were swiftly vanquished by merely shining a flashlight in their fanged and hairy faces. What did frighten me, however, was the wild-eyed, forked bearded, and rictus grinning countenance of the clearly demented musician featured on the 1960s-era record album sleeve of 'Thirteen Favorite Melodies For The Glockenspiel.'

No doubt he was merely trying and failing to express enthusiasm for the hitherto unknown tonal qualities of this rather boring and rudimentary instrument, but he looked more like a cruel dungeon master intent on torturing his victims with a bloodcurdling clink-clank rendition of She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain. Or perhaps an evil warlock summoning his demon legions by pounding out a profane version of Greensleeves backwards. No matter the spine-chilling image conjured, clearly this glockenspiel maestro's face was a warning to the curious: herein was a vinyl equivalent of Pandora's Box and listening to its contents would unleash aural terror upon the world. 

Alongside an equally ancient and macabre copy of The Young Person's Guide To The Orchestra housed in a crumbling cardboard slip-case, Thirteen Favorite Melodies For The Glockenspiel took pride of place in my junior school's record collection. It was as if the educational authorities actively wished to dissuade students from developing an interest in music, like stocking their libraries with nothing but musty, leather-bound editions of lengthy Victorian novels to discourage reading.

Consequently, I have always viewed the process of institutional education as a dark, satanic mill grinding impressionable minds into philistine dust. Imagine a glockenspiel mallet hammering a human eardrum forever, if you enjoy Orwellian paraphrase, as I certainly do. The ineradicable memory is almost enough to drive me to purchase a CD of Pink Floyd's The Wall. Almost, but my subsequent nightmares are not that desperately bad, thank God.

No Home For The Gnome

A lost gnome in an overgrown garden. Perhaps seeking that lush, lily-padded oasis of an ornamental pond where he once happily fished all day, following a half-remembered trail of stepping stones sunk into the soil long ago and now obscured by looming weeds and uncut grass. He must negotiate a minefield of rusting sprinkler system heads and avoid the predatory neighborhood cat that claims this front yard jungle as its exclusive feline domain. He could navigate by the stars but those lights of the night sky are forever extinguished by a thick layer of city smog, so he must use a nearby street lamp as his Polaris.

Of course, when the lost gnome finally reaches his destination, he will discover all the goldfish gone. At least, I'm assuming there is no life left beneath the black stagnant surface of the abandoned ornamental pond. But who knows? Who knows how deep the opaque, wild water runs these days and who knows what strange, aquatic vermin have evolved in those unknown depths? What I do know, however, is that at some point in his journey our questing gnome will come across the gleaming 'For Sale' sign emerging from the overgrown garden.

Apparently the gnome will soon find himself standing in the shadow of a renovated condominium. The overgrown garden will be transformed into a landscaped lawn and the ornamental pond drained and filled with flower beds. He will become a forgotten refugee of urban gentrification, like the plastic pink flamingos, bathtub Marys, stone lions, Greco-Roman water bearers, and other old-fashioned front yard ephemera deemed too gimcrack for contemporary urban homes. Rest in peace.

As Above So Below

Brutalist architecture, if you ask me, is any exclusively box-shaped building. But mostly it's the functional, almost pre-fabricated apartment blocks of the nineteen-fifties and sixties. Those rectangular machines for living with clean lines and ergonomic spaces connected by concrete passageways. Narrow balconies with views of the narrow balconies next door. Perhaps a regimented parade of low maintenance bushes or even trees. Metal benches that face each other across a no man's land of sunbaked asphalt. Such were the architect's utopian plans, his idealized sketches and immaculate scale model. Where did it all go wrong?

I often think the mysterious world of the enchanted forest must operate in the same manner. Here, for example, an unscrupulous goblin property magnate has redeveloped a former pumpkin patch into ugly brown mushroom condominiums. The poor pixies are evicted from the shade beneath their tiny toadstools and forced to relocate to the top floor of a massive fungus. Richard Dadd's faery fella with his craftsman's axe has been replaced by an army of elvish bulldozers, empty acorn cups repurposed as magical cement mixers, and spider's webs are the scaffolding for new high-rise woodland tenements. I think I could be the J. G. Ballard of children's picture books if I could find the time.