Buying a haunted house is one of the biggest mistakes first-time homebuyers make when getting on the property ladder. Not only do you need replace the kitchen cabinets and bathroom fixtures, you have to deal with the apparition of a headless nobleman floating through the wall you've just repainted. And what about are those creepy grinning skulls that suddenly appear behind you in the bathroom mirror while you're trying to trim your nose hair. It's no fun to find out that a jilted Victorian bride killed herself in what you thought was your cozy living room, and now is now a wispy grey lady who weeps and wails by the television every night while you're trying to watch reruns of The Newlywed Game
Fortunately, these typical restless spirits are easy to deal with. Most ghosts, especially disembodied phantoms draped in a white sheet, can be quickly and easily banished by pointing a three-speed rotary fan in their direction. Full power will blow them back to the tomb in no time at all. If the ghost is merely a cold, damp spot on the floor, buy a space heater and melt them into oblivion. I've employed both methods with great success in my own home, an isolated nineteenth-century vicarage overlooking an abandoned graveyard in East Grimsby.
But if you live in a modern house built on sacred Indian tribal lands, and I know many of you do, then things might be a little more complicated than just a trip to the local hardware store to stock up o ghost-busting appliances. You will probably need an old fashioned Latin Exorcism, but it's not the demon that will make your spin like Linda Blair's in the famous Hollywood movie, it's the bill you receive from the Catholic Church two weeks later.
An exorcism can be spine-chillingly expensive for many ordinary households. On average, a gallon of holy water costs about $250 per gallon, more if it's freshly blessed, and a variety pack of votive candles can really push the price up. Most Catholic dioceses will throw in the priest for free, but you're still looking at over $500 per ceremony just to expel the restless spirit of a former occupant, who may or may not have been murdered in your master bedroom.
The same is true of booking a seance with a qualified medium. The full 'is there anybody there?' experience is not cheap, especially if you're seeking to communicate with the departed across the Vale of Death. I once worked in an office haunted by a former employee who died before he could update an important spreadsheet with new data. His mournful apparition appeared at his desk each working day, attempting to finish this task he had not completed in life. The only solution was to posthumously fire him via seance. His astral severance package was naming the conference room in his memory, a small price to pay considering the seance cost two thousand bucks, which did not include janitorial overtime fees for mopping up all the ectoplasm.
Such unexpected and nightmarish expenses are why I'm incorporating my new Ghost Insurance Company, featuring a special introductory offer just for you. For affordable monthly payments in the Crypto currency of your choice, GIC will cover all the exorcism and clairvoyant costs if your home or business becomes infested by unwanted spooks, wraiths, demons or poltergeists. So apply now, you know it makes sense.
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