As eldest Elder and Scribe Emeritus of South Cashville Mega Church, the Lord has commanded me to authoritatively translate the New Testament into contemporary Evangelical-English, customizing its formerly wishy-washy contents to fit our own highly personal prejudices and preferences about this modern world we currently share with zillions of sacrilegious scumbags whose existence we can't tolerate.
In his infinite wisdom and mercy that works in mysterious ways, God has also instructed me to "highlight the NT's latent eroticism and make the whole thing more commercially upscale." Consequently, I'm adding a lot more exciting 'cinematic' chapters and premium tier parables that do not appear in the original, lame-ass, bleeding-heart source material. Let's just say my new versions of the gospels are more James Bond than King James, more Palm Beach than Palm Sunday. Although my Book of Revelation is still pretty similar to Tyndale's sixteenth-century rendering of those super fun events we're all looking forward to. Hallelujah!
But I don't blame Mark, John, Matthew and the other guy for their usually uninspiring and often tedious scriptural efforts. After all, they wrote before the invention of movie cameras and special effects, so it's not the Apostles' fault that innovative, big-budget blockbusters such as The Spy Who Loved Me and Octopussy weren't screened in Judean theaters to demonstrate how to construct a fast-paced thriller, and why their unfortunately primitive, prudish and sanctimonious Bible stories lack car chases, high-tech gadgets, exotic locations and passionate sex scenes with foreign love interests.
Not that my New Testament transforms Jesus into a typical, close-up ready 'man of action.' For example, my Messiah doesn't kick the moneychangers out of the Temple himself. No, my King of Peace controls an invincable squadron of Kung Fu Killer Disciple Drones (KFKDDs) that fight all his righteous battles for him. Meanwhile, he's relaxing at the beach club in Galilee, seducing all the hot babes gathered at his feet by turning water in Vodka Martinis, shaken not stirred, and challenging the evil Pharisees to coups of baccarat. Blessed be his name!
One crucial improvement I've made is that Jesus doesn't die in the end. He escapes to Alexandria with a suitcase full of cash and Foxy Foxdalene, the most beautiful woman in Judea. Honestly, that whole gloomy crucifixion thing is such a downer. What were the Apostles thinking? Forget about them, my unputdownable translation of the New Testament should be available from Amazon and all good bookshops this Easter.
The price tag of $666 in Bitcoin might seem slightly expensive compared to most other instantly downloadable ebooks, but it took me several weeks to spice things up to a level acceptable to God, especially those dreary Letters of Paul to the Thessalonians: not worth the price of a stamp in their earlier form, if you ask me. All that hard labor at the coal face of the Lord doesn't get done for free, you know.
Furthermore, you can consider your purchase to be a donation to the very Holy and Sacred cause of spreading the Good Word far and wide. So why not withdraw all your retirement savings and buy as many as possible? You too can feel like an Evangelist for just the cost of a small second house that you'd only rent out to blasphemous lefty students anyway. Amen.
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